Buckle up. (Part I)

This is going to be quite the trip.


Let's start with school. I don't like it. I don't like NAU. The campus is okay, but the school itself is a bit too small for me. I despise living in the dorms and the repetition of the Union's food choices.

I can honestly count the number of close friends I have here on one hand, and that's not okay with me. Sure, I have plenty of casual friends, girls I'd feel comfortable going out and partying with, but that's not who I am or what I need. I need real relationships, people I can trust, and feel comfortable sharing anything with because I know I'll get good advice and not be judged. Yes, I have a hard time trusting people, and I tend to push some good people away, but I need the people that are willing to break through that. I just don't have that here.

Music...oh, where to begin? It was my passion. Playing cello kept my soul alive. Being in orchestra and choir connected me with the people I cared about most in high school and then kept me connnected with them. But there's the thing. People. I was discussing it with Robin, and I really think that that is the reason I loved orchestra so much. It was another family. Being a music major isn't about being in orchestra. It's about being with yourself and your instrument for too many hours a week, improving so that you can compete with the people that you were there to have fun with. I'm not okay with that. It was my passion, something that I did because I wanted to, because I could...and then it became something that I had to do, and now I resent it. I need a break from cello. I really think that I'm meant to help people, and I don't see how I can do that sitting by myself and practicing constantly. I loved that I didn't take my cello out of it's case the entire break. I gave myself a break, and I'm hoping that it helps me get through this last semester before I leave cello behind for as long as I need to. I have no doubt that I'll come back to it eventually-my life would be completely empty without music in it-but I don't know when that will be. So, yes, I'll probably miss playing in orchestra, but I won't miss spending more time in the practice room than I do with people I care about, worrying about what chair I am, arranging my schedule around orchestra rehearsals, turning down plans because I have to practice/rehearse/play a concert, or having my back hurt constantly. I plan on teaching myself how to play guitar (something I've always wanted to do, but never had the time for) and maybe writing my own songs.