26

I have honestly run out of motivation. The only class I want to be in at this point is theory, but I can't do that. I just don't care about anything anymore. Yes, I fucked up and didn't write a paper for my English class. Yes, I fucked up again and didn't do it when she gave me the chance to make it up. I would've gotten a shitty grade anyway, so why can't you just let me finish my last few weeks here and do the work coming up instead of trying to re-read the first novel of the semester and write a decent paper that I won't get more than a C on because it's too late? I've resigned myself to failing this class, and I honestly don't care. None of the classes here will apply to my gpa at UA, so just let me be. Please. Hell, for all you know, next semester I'll be on the Dean's List.

I finally bit the bullet and set up appointments at student health for counseling and to see if I can get meds. I should have done it so much earlier. I thought I could fix this myself, but instead, I've probably managed to damage the best thing in my life right now. He can't be my therapist. I know that, but my pride and my anxiety got in the way and I couldn't bring myself to call the people who could actually help. Hopefully this will be what I need.

But in the meantime..."hold your own, know your name, go your own way. all the details in the fabric, all the things that make you panic, all your thoughts a result of static swing. everything will be fine."