Random ramblings.

Talked to my mom today about the possibility of going back into counseling, and back on medication. I'm suffering the effects of this daily, without warning and without reason. Mom doesn't believe me about the anxiety attacks, though, just like before. I don't know how to tell her that I know what I'm experiencing, and if it isn't an anxiety attack, I don't know what it is, because I feel like I'm drowning in it. She and her neurologist think that the depression, the migraines, the connective tissue problems, the pain, and the rest of it are just symptoms of something greater; some problem in the inner workings of our brains that no one can quite figure out. I'm afraid to mention my constant physical pain and fatigue in fear that it'll just be lumped in with this greater evil, when I'm not sure that it's part of it. I wish they would (or could) treat all of my problems separately, with the intention of making all of them better, instead of as one lump sum. Whatever this is seems to be hereditary, and passed through the mother, but also recessive. My grandma doesn't have any symptoms, but three of her four daughters do, and of the six grandchildren, only two (my brother and I) got it. And one of us got it full force. It worries me for when I decide to have kids...Is that really a good decision, to bring my own children into the world when I know firsthand what I've gone through and what they may or may not have to deal with? It certainly wouldn't be fair. But that thought just scares the crap out of me.

The College of Arts and Letters here is completely incompetent. You CANNOT LOSE PAPERWORK. Apparently, I'm still a performance major, because they lost my forms to change my major. Joy.

Even with the crap that has been NAU's honors program and the English requirements, there was a small bright spot today. Checking out UA's English req's, and if you scored a 4 or 5 on the AP English test (which I did, twice), you are required to take one semester of English instead of the two semesters that everyone else takes. Thank the Lord, because I don't think I could have gone through another two semester English plan to fulfill a freshman requirement. I miss the way I used to be able to write. It wasn't because I had to, and even when I did, I made the most of it. I had a voice in my work that was unmistakable. Back then (back then? who am I kidding? A few years ago, maybe), my writing was much more organic. It was my mind on the page. I have spent so much time lately trying to adhere to different preferred writing styles that it has completely lost the voice, and therefore the pull. I hate not writing for myself. English is too subjective to grade (and there's why I could never be an English teacher.)

Spring Break was mostly uneventful. Went to Tucson for a few days, Wesley came up to the Valley with me, we saw Rent at ASU Gammage, and then I came back to Flag and he went back to Tucson. I'm really looking forward to May. I want to move out of my parents' house for good, and I can't wait for the grand adventure that will be living together. The weekend we spent in Gilbert was odd...my parents wanted to get to know him, but won't give me a straight answer on whether or not they like him. It honestly does not matter to me if they like him or not, but I would like a straight answer for once. Their opinion will not alter how I feel about him, but it would be nice to have my parents like the man I'm planning on marrying. I know what I think. I love him, with all my heart and soul. He is my everything. My best friend. I cannot imagine life without him by my side, and I honestly don't want to.