Pissed the fuck off.

I look like hell. I feel like hell.

Last night at work, I threw up twice. Had diarrhea the entire damn time, too. Couldn't stand up for most of my shift.

Today, I try to find someone to cover me, but no one is calling me back. So I call my manager to ask her what I should do. My answer? Yelling about how we always call out (my first time in the almost 6 months I've been there) and that I need to go in because "everyone else is working" Then the assistant manager from my store calls me and tells me that she talked to our manager and she said if I don't come in tonight, I'll lose some hours next week (I only have 15 to start with)

I have been sick since Wednesday night. I didn't work Thursday (day off). I tried to work yesterday, and was of no use to anyone. Today, I try to call in, and they threaten my job.

So, as of now, I'm planning on going in, looking exactly how I feel, and "working". And then, once I'm feeling better, I'll be looking for a new job. This bullshit isn't worth 7.25 an hour. Sorry.

Busy busy busy

I just realized it's been like 3 months since I updated this.

We're engaged. I have a lovely ring, and we're in the process of getting our own place. :)

I got my lip pierced--totally spur of the moment, but I love it.

My first semester at UA is OVER...and it didn't turn out so bad, but I'm so ready for the next one to start.

I found a job that I actually kinda like, and pays...not too terribly.

It's two days after Christmas, and I'm officially done with all the Christmas song and dance.

I received the complete works of William Shakespeare, gift cards to Chipotle, Subway, and the UA bookstore, some really pretty jewelry (including a bracelet that my stepdad had made for me), the Planet Earth dvds, a textbook that I need for next semester for FREE from a friend, and over 300 dollars cash.

More later. Gotta kill some zombies with the bro.

One year.

I cannot believe how lucky I am to be engaged to a wonderful, amazing man that I've been dating for a year today.

I love you, Wesley.

Fuck you, NAU.

I just met with the School of Music advisor. A music minor is 20 credits, with 9 of them as upper division units. I have 19, with 6 upper div units. Sooooo, I need 1 credit to finish, but 3 upper division. Which means that after this semester, I have enough credits (20) for the minor, but I have to take classes for at least another year to get my upper div credits.

I think I'll be going through theory five. Awesome.

Problems with the UA

There is a very blatant lack of outlets, especially in the lounges in the Student Union Memorial Center

Almost everyone has a laptop. The lounge I ate my lunch in had ONE outlet. Not cool, UA, not cool.

I Love Al Franken

Random thought.

One thing that really, really pisses me off.

The birth control pill does not kill embryos. It stops a woman from ovulating so that the sperm has no chance of meeting an egg to form an embryo.

I'm going to kick the next person I meet that says birth control pills kill babies.

Third Post of the Day.

Say whaaaa?

I got my new charger, finally.

I was perusing threadless (paycheck, YES) and can only afford one for Wes and one for myself, but I can't decide on the one for myself. This is the shirt I'm buying for Wes (because he's so fucking humble all the time). Mine, I'm choosing from one, two, three, and four. I can't decide. Faithful readers (who the hell am I kidding? I'm the only one that reads this damn thing), which one? I will probably buy them all eventually, and right now, I'm leaning toward three and four.

Speaking of money, my job ended last week, and I'm officially on my last paycheck. Anyone have ideas on jobs in Tucson? Any? Please?

Tucson. I love you. I love monsoons. I love watching Adult Swim on Saturday nights (PJs, Boondocks, and anime. Fucking YES), even when the person who made me start watching it isn't around to share.

Excitement! Wesley decided he wants to have an actual wedding. Well. Not wants, per se, but can see that I don't really want to get married in the courthouse and will compromise with me for my sanity and his. YAY. Now my researching and obsessing and dreaming will not have gone to waste. I'll be marrying my best friend, and that is the way it's supposed to be. :-)

Because everyone needs a random meme

My username is bright eyed cello girl...because when I made this blog, I was feeling completely optimistic, and totally in love with the music I was making.

My title is land locked blues. It used to be northern lights, and then I moved from flagstaff to tucson and needed something different, because I now live in the southernmost metro area of Arizona. Now, I'm hundreds of miles away from any ocean or body of water. Also, it's a Bright Eyes song, and it reminds me of better times (kinda)

My subtitle is trying to find my own little slice of happiness in the desert. And I have.

My default user pic is not here. I thought I had one, but apparently not.

So, that was pretty lame. Mostly because I stole it from someone's lj, and I don't have an lj. But yeah. Today got much, much better. A few hours after I posted that last one, the boy called me to let me know he had been transferred and I could see him...in person. Not video. So today, I got to hug him, kiss him, and hold his hand. For an entire hour. And I get to do the same thing on our anniversary (one year, holy bejeezus). And then I get him back for good on the 23rd. I really do love him.

How I feel today.

I am depressed. I miss my boy. I feel guilty as fuck for flirting with boys who don't know me (or him). I'm proud of myself for deciding I'm not hiding anymore. I'm tired. I'm sick of drunks and the male portion of the human race. I can't wait to see Wesley again.

I'm lonely.

Afterbirthers Demand To See Obama's Placenta

WASHINGTON–In the continuing controversy surrounding the president's U.S. citizenship, a new fringe group informally known as "Afterbirthers" demanded Monday the authentication of Barack Obama's placenta from his time inside his mother's womb. "All we are asking is that the president produce a sample of his fetal membranes and vessels—preferably along with a photo of the crowning and delivery—and this will all be over," said former presidential candidate and Afterbirthers spokesman Alan Keyes, later adding that his organization would be willing to settle for a half-liter of maternal cord plasma. "To this day, the American people have not seen a cervical mucus plug, let alone one that has been signed and notarized by a state-certified Hawaiian health official. If the president was indeed born in the manner in which he claims, then where is his gestation sac?" Keyes said that if Obama did not soon produce at least a bloody bedsheet from his conception, Afterbirthers would push forward with efforts to exhume the president's deceased mother and inspect the corpse's pelvic bone and birth canal.

This. This is why I love the Onion, and why I wish I was a better writer. Satire could be the way to go for me. It's the way I talk, and I can't figure out when I lost the link between my brain and fingers.

One week down...

Trad 104...meh. I was really hoping for better. I'll stay in it, because it'll be a crazy easy A.

Indv 102...I'm more excited for this class than I was before. Our discussion TA is awesome, but the section itself is full of California valley girls who are idiots. (Questions heard today, no joke, included "do we really only get the weekend" "do we need to read" and "do we need to go to lecture")

Ling 178 isn't getting any better. Thankfully, I have two people in that class who know what's going on...unlike me.

Phys 102 isn't going to be simple, but it'll be easier because I've already taken physics once before. I like that all our homework is online.

Nats 104 is going to rule. I'm so excited for this class. I love genetics and evolution and all that stuff...

Orchestra...I'm still not sold, but I'm gonna stick with it at least for this semester.

Froshmore Year.

So, this year is a bit odd for me. Classes start on my birthday, UA can't decide what transfers and deems me a freshman again, and I'm back in orchestra.

Yeah, you read that right. I'm back in orchestra. I got a facebook message from my high school orchestra director (side note: LOL ex director facebook) that basically said one of the UA orchestras is light on the low end and needs cellists. I pondered that for awhile, and then decided what the hell. Nothing to lose by going to talk to the conductor, right? Well, I've now been set up with an instrument, my work schedule has been altered, and I guess I'm a member of the UA Phil.

Bwah? All in the space of 24 hours. I'm glad I'm doing it, though. I do miss playing. I don't miss being in a practice room forever. It'll be a good way to meet people. I think it'll be good for me, honestly. And the phil is the non-major orchestra, so it's less of a time commitment (2 concerts a semester instead of 4 or 5)

First up...Comparative Religions. Now, because it's a gen ed class and not a religions dept class, we're only covering the Abrahamic religions. I'm pretty bummed about that, not gonna lie, but it seems like it'll be a good class. I've heard the teacher is biased towards Christianity, but pretends not to be, so that'll be interesting, but so far, he just seems like a jolly older gent who has lots of stories to tell. This will more than likely be my easiest class.

Next...That One I Can Never Remember the Name Of. Actually, it's Many Ways of Being Human. As far as the instructor says, the course is mainly about inequalities in the world and environmental issues. Odd combo, but okay. The textbooks are (apparently, I haven't cracked them yet) written by a "radical sociologist" and then the 2006 World Bank something or other, so that we get "both sides." Uhh huh. Sure. Both sides. The prof says "hokayyy?" a lot and is very sweaty. This one will be pretty easy too, no tests or quizzes, just homework and an optional (!) final.

Break time!

LING 178. The Mathematics of Language and Linguistics. I was so excited for this class, and then I went in and it's taught by a Chinese grad student. Greeaaaat. More difficult, but not impossible.

My last class of the day (after a 2 hour break) is physics 102. Also taught by a grad student, but he's in his 6th year of PhD work, so I trust him a bit more. This is going to make or break my semester, and therefore my gpa. I took physics my junior year of high school and worked my ass off for a B, so I'm hoping enough of the conceptual stuff stuck and it'll just be the math I have problems with.

Um, yeah, I think that's it. Other than I need my paycheck so I can put money on my meal plan.

I'm going to get an instrument tomorrow, then I have one class, a 2 hour break, work, and orchestra.

I honestly don't understand

My parents are worried about the relationship I'm in because I'm "isolating [my]self from friends and family," but when I make an attempt to hold a conversation, there is no response. Apparently my mom had surgery recently...they decided not to tell me until after the fact, and I still don't know what the surgery was for. I myspace messaged my brother, because I miss him and wanted to talk, but he read it and didn't respond (I only know that because myspace indicates the action taken on messages.)

There is nothing wrong with my relationship with Wesley. We are in love, are extremely happy together, and he only wants the best for me. I talk to my dad and my aunt. If anyone is isolating themselves, it's my mom and stepdad. They make no attempt at a relationship, and if they would listen to me and give me a chance to explain some things, I would be much more willing to talk to them. As it is, every time I have talked to my mom, she ends up hanging up on me. My personal favorite is when she gives me a laundry list of problems, but I'm not allowed to respond, because she doesn't want to play the "back and forth game." I don't want to play that game. I just want a chance to defend myself against some glaring mistakes in logic. (Wesley got in a fight with his sister, ergo, he will start hitting me. By that logic, my brother will be an abusive partner too).

It's not that I don't want a relationship with my family. I just don't think I have any reason to put up with this, and I really don't think they have any right to treat me the way they have.

I have nothing left to lose

I have been officially cut off from my family, by my family.

It started with the health insurance. My mom saying someone had been using my name to get prescriptions (she knew full well that it was me) and cut off the flex card.

Now, my cell phone has been disconnected. Congratulations, Mom, you have officially cut off your last line of communication with me. Don't expect to hear from me unless I'm dying.

It hurts, though. I'm 18, almost 19. I just got engaged (btw, we're engaged :D). I should be able to call my mom in one of my happiest moments and have her be happy with me. I should have my mom to help me plan my wedding. I should be able to go to her with anything. But I can't, because she decided to "teach me how to be independent." I didn't realize cutting me off from my family was teaching me that. And last I checked, you were upset because I was cutting myself off.

To the dick who hacked my email and facebook.

FUCK YOU.

41

I was in the hospital on Friday. Wesley stayed with me, and when he went to get some dinner (didn't know how long I'd be there, and I'd already been there for 6 hours), he went home and discovered that his brother had taken a pack of cigarettes he had hidden.

Today, I went to find something in the bathroom, and found my pill case. That pill case had one klonopin in it when I last saw it; now it is empty. The pill case was in a Coach wristlet inside of my purse. Wesley would have asked me for it; he has before, and I'm fine with giving them to him when he needs them. However, when I went to the doctor last, he wrote me a scrip for five pills so that I'd have them if I needed them before I could get to a psych. Wesley has taken two of them, I've taken one. I now have none left. The only reason I can think of that they would be gone is Wesley's brother. I know he was in our room that day, and I know he took something out of our room.

Whoever took them needs to know this. They invaded my space by coming into my room in the first place (and on a day I was in the hospital, no less!) and went through my things; including my purse (WHO DOES THAT?!). It isn't about the medication that they took (although, I have no idea what I'll do if I have a panic attack between now and my psych appointment on the second). I know, it costs very little to get on the street. The problem is that whoever did this invaded my space and my privacy and the one place I thought I could leave my things and have them be safe. That is not okay. Apparently, I cannot have anything prescribed to me that can be used as a street drug, because unless I have it on my person at all times, it will disappear.

Fuck that.

40

I really, honestly thought that the new drugs were working. But from the past week or so, I've had random bouts of depression and anxiety. I could attribute it to PMS, but I really don't think that's what it was. Usually I just get really frustrated with myself, and it's really hard to say this, but I have been suicidal. I would never act on anything, but I have been. Wesley was sleeping the other day, and I knew there was a razor blade in the room (he had used it to split a pill). I kept telling myself I didn't want to, and didn't need to, but I hate this. I can't feel anything, and that's why I used to cut. Self-inflicted pain was better than no feeling at all. So, yeah, I cut myself. Just once, on my calf. I know there is no reason for it, and it doesn't solve anything at all, but I needed to feel something.

That scares me.

39

Facebook allows me to see all my friends' pictures from their escapades in college. This morning, I logged on, and there were pictures from an ex-friend's party. It's entertaining to see that everyone has turned into exactly what I figured they'd be. C is a victim of the freshman fifteen, and looks kinda jaundiced and albino at the same time. She looks like a drunk, and she is. KL has become the ASU bleach blonde do-anything-for-a-beer that I hoped she wouldn't, but knew in the back of my mind she would. L is just a ho, the boys are the same, with more alcohol, and BandJ are as adorable as ever. B has really grown up...she's fucking gorgeous. 

What really kills me about this scenario, and the pictures, isn't that they've willingly tagged themselves in the same pictures as open beer cans and holding party cups looking completely trashed. It's the fact that they haven't left high school. They still hang out with the same friends, party at the same house (but now the parents don't care that there's alcohol, they probably buy it), and have the exact same drama. Wasn't there a point where we all said we wanted to escape high school and make some new friends, have a new outlook and a new life? I would have been invited to that party, had I been in Gilbert, and if I hadn't had the past year, I probably would have gone. But I realize now that it is the exact same shit over and over again. It'll never change.

38

I sat down to write because I couldn't sleep. Granted, it's not even 10. Why would I be sleeping? I got up at 7:30 this morning. I know, I know, pigs are flying, hell is freezing over. Anyway. I realized that it's been a good 3 weeks since I wrote anything here, and figured all my faithful readers out there would be disappointed that I hadn't updated lately. Okay, who am I kidding? I am the only person who reads my blog. 

Apparently, I am unemployable. One of the things that really gets to me is establishments insisting on an applicant having experience, but they know that every place demands the same. So it's the same damn thing, who knows why or how anyone gets hired, since no one will give anyone a chance to gain retail/food/customer service/arbitrary experience. So, I have no experience, no job, and no resume. That's awesome when it comes to apply for a job.

Last week, I applied for a credit card, thinking I could buy a bed with it (twin bed, two people over 6 feet tall just does not work) and start building some credit. Today, I get a letter, "regretfully declining" my application because--I shit you not--established a credit history. Seriously. DUH. I'm 18. How do I do that without getting a credit card and being responsible with it? It makes me want to shoot someone. Honestly.

Just the past three weeks have been overwhelming and stressful and AHHHH. The move down was pretty uneventful (I am only two trashcans lighter, everything else fit), but it took us about two weeks to get all my stuff unpacked...and once we got all my crap unpacked, we got fed up with sleeping in a twin bed, so we set up the futon right next to the bed, and it looks just as cluttered all over again. But there's the job hunting. The walking around and the buses and the applications and the crazy people and the sun and the dehydration and the pain and sometimes I want to give up, just say fuck it and tell my mom she was right and go home. But she isn't. I will prove her wrong.