Freshman Update 1

Well, I'm a week in and I love it more than I could have ever imagined. I knew it would be a good change for me, but this is pretty much the perfect situation for me.

I moved out, the parents left, and I turned 18. I started classes, placed second to last chair in symphony (ha.) and am living with my best friend. I've hung out with all the people I love more than I ever did in high school. I've stayed up late, laughing about nothing. I've shared meals with the most amazing people, taken long walks around campus, and done whatever the fuck I want for an entire week, and I have another four years of this. I love my life. I love my friends.

If laughing really does make you live longer, this experience will add years to our lives.

Packing...

I don't want to.

I thought I was so ready for this, but I'm really not. I'm excited, but it hit me a few days ago that I really don't know what to expect, and that kinda scares me a lot.

I've been packing all day, and really, the only thing I've managed to get done is rip my room apart and shove all my clothes into 3 suitcases. So, my clothes (except for what I'm wearing for the next 8 or 9 days) are packed. And that is it. Nothing has been cleaned, nothing has been packed, but I have had a mini-breakdown and dumped it on him...and he came through with flying colors. Again. Somehow, no matter how much I'm freaking out, he knows exactly what to say to make me feel better. Mini-breakdowns seem to be the theme of this summer...and always while I'm cleaning (physically or mentally). I've probably cried more this summer than I have in the past three years, and I'm glad. Crying makes me think, and as much as I hate it, my head is always clearer after a long crying jag. I think I'm a different person today than I was on May 22nd, and the person I was on May 22nd is different than the one I was when I started senior year...things that happen.

Senior year was crazy. I found out who my true friends were, and there was even more of that during this summer. I realized that graduating really does pull you away from the people that are still in high school, no matter how close you are to them. I'm really glad that BFF is my roommate for next year. Shit. Nine days. Which means there's only what, twelve til I'm legal? Sweet. I'm completely ready for college...but I'm starting to feel anxious and a little apprehensive. Not as cocksure as I usually am about everything. I can't imagine how I would have been if I had ended up at East Coast Women's College or Large California Public University...probably a nervous wreck. But instead, I'm only a little nervous, and counting on the fact that I'm only a two hour drive from home to calm me down.

I'm sure that once I'm there, I'll be fine.

Baseball...

I love my Diamondbacks. Been to three games in the past week, in fact. They've lost all three, but it was still good times. I think I've been to more games this summer than I have in the past nine seasons combined. I've become something of a fanatic this year, and I like it. What I don't like, however, is the assumption that because I'm female I don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to baseball. J and I went to the second game of the Braves series on Friday night. She's a lifelong Red Sox fan, I'm a lifelong Diamondbacks fan, and we got in an argument about the DH. She likes it, I don't. The two men in front of us seemed to think we were a novelty- keeping score, knowing what we were talking about, knowing the importance of different statistics, making fun of the RallyBacks (baseball bimbos)...well, excuse me for living, eating, and breathing baseball. I can't help that I choose to know more about a sport than most guys.

Speaking of...guys? If you want a girl who likes baseball, you should look amongst your own friends first. I have so many guy friends that love baseball who say things like "I wish I could find a girl that likes baseball..." I just want to say. "Um...HELLO. right here. Yeah, hi." That goes for any other random interest, not just baseball. Also...if you find a girl who says she likes baseball, test her by watching a game at home, not taking her. You may have found the girl who will say she likes anything for a guy to like her...and she'll end up being the girl that wears the heels to a baseball game for the trudge to the nosebleeds. BAD.

I love baseball. I don't always know what I'm talking about (sabremetrics, anyone?), but I do try. I would drop any plans for a chance to go to a game...but I've imposed a ban from Chase Field on myself for the rest of the season. Maybe they'll stop losing.

Shattered.

Next weekend, I might end up doing something that I thought I would never do.

I think I'm setting myself up to break my own heart, this time.

(How many times can I break before I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after)

Thoughts.

My high school started classes yesterday. It's weird, not being there...but I don't miss it. At all. I'm packing for college, and that thought freaks me out. I thought I was ready for this...but I thought wrong.

The roadtrip was absolutely amazing. I'm giving up on tanning, though, because my Irish skin just doesn't like the sun- I got no color at the beach, but in the same amount of time at a baseball game, with the same amount of sunscreen, I got a bizarre sunburn on the tops of my thighs, face, and scalp, along with a kick ass flip flop tan.

NAU move-in is in 13 days.
My 18th birthday is in 16 days.

Yeah, I'm not counting down, or anything...but holy shit. I have less than two weeks.

8

I had a fantastic time.

And we didn't get too horribly lost...home in one piece. That's always good, right?

Well, yeah...

Who's ready for absurd amounts of caffeination?

7

BFF and I leave between 5 and 6 am Friday for our trip, and it is going to be quite the adventure... She's never been to California. I've never driven there. I've been by myself, but it's always been on a plane, meeting someone at the airport. So, BFF has no idea where she's going, and you've got me as navigator. I am the most directionally challenged person I know...and I get to handle the map. WOO. We are probably going to get hopelessly lost somewhere in Southern California, but it will be fantastic, and I am so excited.

Tomorrow, we're having a huge trip to Target for roadtrip essentials- soda, sunscreen, snacks, and trashy magazines, mostly- and whatever else we think we'll need. I might grab a couple beach towels, just so we don't deplete my family's supply over the (very hot 114 degree) weekend. I already bought myself a couple really cute bikinis, so no swimsuit shopping will be necessary, thank God.

I'm so glad I turned down other trip offers to go with her. This will be brilliantly retarded (thank you, John Oliver, for putting that on the Daily Show) as only we could do it.

I'm not sure whether or not I'll be taking the laptop. Grandma doesn't have wireless, but pretty much anywhere we go in SoCal will. I'm the first to admit that I am pretty much completely addicted to Facebook and my email, and although I'm sure I'll be ok without it for a couple days, I'm not sure how everyone in cyberspace will react. I need a break from the drama of the past week...but I do need to stay updated, because I'm still involved in this mess.

So, we're down to the hour countdown! :-D
32 hours til the roadtrip with the BFF.
21 days til I move out/in.
24 days til I turn 18.
25 days til classes start.

I'm such a fool for you...

Possibly my favorite song ever.

Linger, by the Cranberries.

If you, if you could return
Don’t let it burn, don’t let it fade
I’m sure I’m not being rude
But it’s just your attitude
It’s tearing me apart
It’s ruining everything
And I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

But I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrongI was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn’t be so confused
And I wouldn’t feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you

And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to. do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

::sigh::
It's taken on a whole new meaning this past week.

More letters.

This one was just angry. And will be sent...just not sure when. I may even post it on here.

Roadtrip- 3 days.
Moving Out- 23 days.
Birthday- 26 days.
Classes start- 27 days.

Can't come soon enough.

Searching for serenity.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

---------
I'm searching for the serenity to accept the things I've learned over the past 72 hours, the courage to change my behavior, and the wisdom to know when not to get involved.
Why is this so damn hard?

Desiderata

Go placidly amidst the noise and haste
and remember what peace there may be in silence
As far as possible without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others;
even the dull and ignorant, for they too have their story
Avoid loud and aggressive persons for they are vexatious to the spirit

If you compare yourself with others you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble,
for it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time

Exercise caution in your business life for everywhere there is trickery
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism

Be yourself

Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings;
many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.

You have a right to be here

And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be
And whatever your labors and aspirations, keep peace in your soul
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams it is still a beautiful world

Be cheerful

Strive to be happy.

-Max Ehrmann 1927


I was reminded through a friend's note on Facebook today that this was part of the speech I did not pay attention to given by a teacher I did not have at our 8th grade promotion ceremony. It is such a beautiful sentiment, and one that I wish I had heard every day of my life from the day I turned thirteen and my life spiraled out of control. This is something I plan on reading every time I think something isn't worth it.
I have a folded up copy of the Serenity Prayer in my wallet-it's actually a page out of my best friend's dad's memorial service program- and I'm surprised it hasn't fallen apart yet. Once I get my printer set up, I'll be printing this out and keeping it in my wallet with that page.
The Serenity Prayer...seems fitting for what happened yesterday.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

Countdown.

32 days til classes start
31 days til my birthday
28 days til I move to Flagstaff
8 days til the roadtrip with the BFF.

Saw Dark Knight yesterday...that's my choice for best movie of the year. Heath Ledger was absolutely brilliant as the Joker. There were definitely some things that they overdid, but overall, it was a great movie.

There was definitely some drama last night...but I don't know that I want to talk about it on here. Maybe later.

6

I don't appreciate being harrassed.
Please stop, whoever you are. I don't know you, and you don't know me.

Thank God.

5

Today, I wrote.
I wrote a few of those letters that you never send- to people that have been treating me terribly and to people I just want to rant at- and then deleted them off my computer.
I kept and revised one of those letters to a person who has treated me badly this week- and sent it. It might not make any difference, but it made me feel better, since he is ignoring me, and I needed to get some things out of my head and on to paper (well, email.)
And possibly the most important one: I wrote a letter to the man I think I'm falling in love with. Not to tell him that I'm falling in love with him; he already knows that. Instead, to tell him all the reasons why. It wasn't meant to be what it turned into...in fact, I don't even know what I meant it to be. I just knew I wanted to write him a letter. But then I started writing, and as often happens with me and my silly brain, I couldn't stop (reminds me of a lyric..."if I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to"). That's okay, though. I like how it turned out. It doesn't sound like a letter. It sounds like me. A physical thing to keep when I'm not with him...which is often.

12 days til BFF and I go on our roadtrip.
32 days til I move out of my house.
35 days til I turn 18.
36 days til I start college.
This summer is kicking so much ass.

I want to say that I'll be able to update this a lot more during school, but the harsh reality is that that is probably just not going to be possible. I just don't have a lot to say right now. Not a ton happening...But I know that college is going to give me a lot to ponder and a lot of new experiences, so I want to be sure I ponder them in a way that I can go back and look at them later. Maybe. We'll see...

I am worth more than how you treat me.

As much as I love my family, my little brother is one of the worst people I know. He is emotionally and verbally abusive and manipulative, and I see him turning into our biological father more and more every day. He treats me like dirt, and is the biggest reason I am so ready to move out. I have amazing friends, who mean just as much to me as my family does and sometimes more, and they have helped me realize that I am worth so much more than how I'm treated at home. At home, I am at best an inconvienience; at worst, a waste of space. They wonder why I choose to go out rather than stay in with them, and it's because, even though we can laugh together one moment, the next instant my brother is calling me a cunt and my mom is getting mad at me for it. I've never been close to my mom. I don't know why, we just aren't. Maybe it's the past ten years of her pushing me a little bit too hard, and I couldn't let her see me fail. The fact that I'm moving out is starting to repair our relationship, because neither of us want me to leave on bad terms. I just don't fit in with my family, and like I told my cousin's (then fiance, now) husband Paul at Thanksgiving, I sit there and sometimes it feels like I'm looking in at someone else's family. It doesn't feel like I belong with the family I was born into. Don't get me wrong, I know that in the grand scheme of family problems, I have it pretty damn good. I have three parents that love me and a great extended family...but my immediate family is pretty dysfunctional.

I need to experience life and love on my own.

Milestones.

It's been three weeks without my cello, and a month since I played.
I'm going crazy. I thought a break would be good for me, but I didn't think that break was going to be more than a month...but the break has been good. I've been able to think about things other than cello, and this has definitely shown me that this is what I want and need to do. That said, I want to play again. NOW. The excerpts are out for college auditions, and I need to get those prepared, and I just need to play again. But it makes me happy that I'm going crazy- it definitely proves to me that I was right the whole time, that this is something I can't do without, and it completely validates my choice to switch from education to performance.

I am a month removed from high school, and I never want to go back. I went to Orientation a couple weeks ago, and while it was completely pointless, I had a really good time, and I'm excited for school...and that brings me to the next one.

In two months, I will be legal and a college student. Hells yes.
First- I will be legal. 18. Able to buy porn and cigarettes and such. Exciting, I suppose, but the birthday I'm really looking forward to is 21.
Second- I will be a college student. I have a pretty easy schedule for the fall semester- only 14 units. Most of those are music classes- class piano, harmony, sight-singing, lessons, 2 orchestras, a choir, and then the honors seminar and english. I'm just excited to be in college.

Enough milestones and countdowns.
I'm still looking for a job.
I still have amazing friends.
I still have a great guy.
I still want it to be August.

It's outrageous

how happy I am right now.

I have amazing friends.
I have a mostly amazing family.
And I have an amazing boy.
:)

Finally.

She's done.
I encourage everyone to read Brilliant at Breakfast's take on it...

http://brilliantatbreakfast.blogspot.com/2008/06/i-am-so-proud-of-my-party-and-my.html

YEAH.
That's what I was going to say.

In other news, I saw the Strangers tonight. Fucking awesome. I love horror movies almost as much as I love roller coasters and music. Hooray for adrenaline rushes. Obviously isn't going to happen to me, but I still scared myself when I came home. The movie ended up being funny, just because every time something even slightly frightening happened, future roomie screamed. Yep.

4

Here's numero uno on the list of Things That Bug The Crap Out of Me.
1) Somehow, just because I'm young, my opinion doesn't matter as much or at all. Sorry, but I have opinions too. And my opinions are going to change the world. So suck it up and listen, dammit.

That said, here is one of those opinions.
HRC needs to give it up. She needed to give it up a long time ago.

At first, I was super excited about her candidacy, just like I was when Pelosi became Speaker of the House. I love that I'm coming of age in a time when women can and do run the free world- Oprah, anyone?- and that just gets me so excited for the next generation of women, born into a world where a woman can do almost anything. But it's the fact that it's only an almost that gets me. We still only make 77 cents for every dollar a man makes. It is still a man's world. Moreover, it's a white man's world. But I am SO tired of HRC and Geraldine Ferraro and Chris Matthews saying that she's only losing because she is a woman. That is complete and utter horsecrap. That may be a reason, but it isn't the only reason. She came in thinking she could run another Bill race- at the time, a majority liked him and his policies. He brought in some change, yeah. But the change that this generation is looking for is not a Clinton-era change. We want a complete overhaul to a corrupt and broken system, and Clinton can't give us that. I'm not even sure Obama can, but the politics that he embraces aren't the mudslinging, Swiftboating politics of our parents' generation. Maybe I am completely wrong on this...but I would rather not have to choose between Dubya2.0 and a Democrat that reaches so far across the aisle she risks falling into their laps. More of the same.

Do I need to make my point a bit clearer?

Yes, we need a female President. But not her. Not now.

Hmm. Somehow I went from a feminism rant to an anti-HRC rant to a politics as usual rant. weeee!