19

I have no idea what was going on earlier, honestly.

What I do know is that I am extremely lucky to have an amazing boyfriend who is willing to sit and listen to me cry over the phone for reasons I'm not even entirely sure of. When I told him that for the first time in years, I cut myself (nothing to worry about, it's really just a scratch on the inside of my knee), all he did was try to figure out what I was feeling at the exact moment. The answer was nothing. I was feeling nothing, and I desperately needed to feel something.

I just piss myself off. I'm not supposed to be like this. I'm supposed to be the perfect daughter. Intelligent, funny, attractive, sane. My mother would probably die if she knew that I actually failed a class my first semester of college. First time ever. I'm not funny, I'm a sarcastic bitch. I don't think I'm all that attractive. I need to lose more weight, and even then, I really don't understand how anyone would find me attractive. And obviously, if I'm having episodes like this, I'm not okay. I'm not sane. I've been through this before. Therapy, meds, different meds, more therapy...I guess I'll always need it. Yeah, everyone has ups and downs...but not like I did today.

I'm damn good at putting on the right face for the situation. I am a sweetheart to everyone I encounter, I say thank you even when 10 minutes before I was sobbing uncontrollably. No one here knows me well enough to know when I'm down, when I skip classes because I'm too depressed to get out of bed. No matter what I do, it takes talking myself into it because I get really, really anxious and freeze up. I have to talk myself into going to the Union to get food half of the time.



I hate being like this. I need help. I just don't know how to ask for it again.





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Wesley thinks I need to do something for myself...but I'm not that kind of person. I don't do anything for myself, ever. I can't justify spending money on myself when I know in three months, I'll be completely on my own financially, trying to find a new job in a crap economy, getting ready to start at a new school, and right now I can't find a job. I think I know what I'll do, though. Cheap haircut, box of hair dye, and a new outfit. I think I can manage that.