As much as I hate it, I'm realizing that there are just some relationships that I had that weren't healthy and it's a really good thing that they've ended, no matter how painful it is.
On the upside of that, I'm also finding the people who really care about me and would do anything to make sure I'm happy and healthy, and I give thanks every day for them.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Frustration.
I'm starting to dread waking up in the morning, the routine of class after class, day after day.
This isn't how college is supposed to be. This isn't how it's supposed to be if I'm doing something I love....right?
It feels like I'm squandering my life away in the music building. I can only practice so much, and I'm starting to resent cello.
I'm starting to hate the honors program. We write far too many papers in the required freshman English, and really? Why make me take two semesters of English instead of getting on with other things that I could be taking?
Argh.
This isn't how college is supposed to be. This isn't how it's supposed to be if I'm doing something I love....right?
It feels like I'm squandering my life away in the music building. I can only practice so much, and I'm starting to resent cello.
I'm starting to hate the honors program. We write far too many papers in the required freshman English, and really? Why make me take two semesters of English instead of getting on with other things that I could be taking?
Argh.
Monday, October 27, 2008
I don't wanna cycle or recycle revenge
I've realized that I don't take anything seriously enough. Mostly with school, and especially with my music classes. I have this bad habit of ignoring things that are easy, and panicking when I realize my grade is low. It's happening right now in Sightsinging and Dictation, and it will happen in my English class. It's already happened in piano. I just want to take classes that interest me. Sightsinging? Not so much. Class piano? Definitely not. English? Sorta, but not the stuff we're covering.
I'm thinking about changing my major. Not just thinking, definitely seriously considering. I don't think performance will get me anywhere, and I don't think I'll be able to cut it...especially considering the history of this studio. My professor hasn't graduated a performance major from her studio in at least five years, and she can't even prepare people to pass their upper-division juries (sorry. music speak.). I want to do a music degree, but not performance and definitely not education. I need to check on if my scholarship is affected by me being a BA student instead of a BMPerf, and what the requirements are.
I know I won't make it in performance. There aren't enough jobs, and I'm not good enough. I don't want to teach. I'm really thinking about finishing my music degree (I'm paying for it, I'm going to do something I want to do...) and then going to med school. I've always wanted to do something in psychology or psychiatry, but I'm not positive what. Maybe I'll find some other medical field that I love and...yeah. Something needs to change. I can't perform my entire life, and I want to help people. I'm meant to do some good in this world, I can feel it.
A few side notes:
There's a full on politics/election post in the works. Hang tight.
I may be moving this blog over to WordPress.
I am completely and totally in love.
I'm thinking about changing my major. Not just thinking, definitely seriously considering. I don't think performance will get me anywhere, and I don't think I'll be able to cut it...especially considering the history of this studio. My professor hasn't graduated a performance major from her studio in at least five years, and she can't even prepare people to pass their upper-division juries (sorry. music speak.). I want to do a music degree, but not performance and definitely not education. I need to check on if my scholarship is affected by me being a BA student instead of a BMPerf, and what the requirements are.
I know I won't make it in performance. There aren't enough jobs, and I'm not good enough. I don't want to teach. I'm really thinking about finishing my music degree (I'm paying for it, I'm going to do something I want to do...) and then going to med school. I've always wanted to do something in psychology or psychiatry, but I'm not positive what. Maybe I'll find some other medical field that I love and...yeah. Something needs to change. I can't perform my entire life, and I want to help people. I'm meant to do some good in this world, I can feel it.
A few side notes:
There's a full on politics/election post in the works. Hang tight.
I may be moving this blog over to WordPress.
I am completely and totally in love.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Don't waste your time on me, you're already a voice inside my head.
I don't know what it was about today.
I slept through piano, even though I intended to go. Went to Starbucks instead. Read and drank coffee for awhile. Went to choir. The concert on Sunday is seriously going to suck. Went to sightsinging. That class always sucks, but it was particularly bad today. Grabbed a quick lunch. Went to my lesson, which was actually pretty good. Came back to my room, talked to the boyfriend. Up until about 3 pm, my day was just ok. It could have been better, but it also could have been worse. And then I had to go to symphony. Orchestra has been frustrating...fun, but frustrating. WE CAN'T BE CHANGING SHIT TWO DAYS BEFORE A CONCERT. Argh. And it didn't help that it was hot on stage, and my back hurt, and I just did not want to be there. I don't know. I'm ready to play new music, even if it is music for Opera Scenes. So that sucked. After symphony, I came back to my room, and just cried for about an hour. I told everyone that I was taking a nap, but no. Definitely just crying. I miss the boy, I'm frustrated with school, I'm slightly homesick, and I feel like no one up here really cares. I miss my friends (the real family) who are currently scattered across the country. I hurt, emotionally and physically.
Wow. Just looked at my mirror. I look like I haven't slept in weeks. ::sigh::
I slept through piano, even though I intended to go. Went to Starbucks instead. Read and drank coffee for awhile. Went to choir. The concert on Sunday is seriously going to suck. Went to sightsinging. That class always sucks, but it was particularly bad today. Grabbed a quick lunch. Went to my lesson, which was actually pretty good. Came back to my room, talked to the boyfriend. Up until about 3 pm, my day was just ok. It could have been better, but it also could have been worse. And then I had to go to symphony. Orchestra has been frustrating...fun, but frustrating. WE CAN'T BE CHANGING SHIT TWO DAYS BEFORE A CONCERT. Argh. And it didn't help that it was hot on stage, and my back hurt, and I just did not want to be there. I don't know. I'm ready to play new music, even if it is music for Opera Scenes. So that sucked. After symphony, I came back to my room, and just cried for about an hour. I told everyone that I was taking a nap, but no. Definitely just crying. I miss the boy, I'm frustrated with school, I'm slightly homesick, and I feel like no one up here really cares. I miss my friends (the real family) who are currently scattered across the country. I hurt, emotionally and physically.
Wow. Just looked at my mirror. I look like I haven't slept in weeks. ::sigh::
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
I still owe you for the hole in the floor...
I suck at keeping New Year's resolutions, so I've made myself some beginning of October resolutions.
Stop procrastinating.
I am such a procrastinator. I really thought it would get better. I told myself it would get better. I got organized. I stayed organized, for once. For a few weeks, I stopped procrastinating, and actually did things the day they were assigned...and now I'm back to leaving papers til the day they're due. I'm frustrated with myself. I know it needs to change, because I'm busier than ever and every hour of my day is as packed as I can make it, but I lose steam after a few weeks...although, a few weeks is better than a few days, which is how I used to be. But it isn't just with school work. Cleaning, laundry, practicing, everything. I put everything off.
Practice every day.
I've gotten into a bad habit of going to my lesson on Wednesday and not practicing until Monday, and then freaking out because I'm so unprepared. I'm not as much of a musician as I could be because of this habit, and I want to progress more than I have in the past five weeks.
Read or write for enjoyment at least three times a week.
I miss reading and writing for myself. I don't think I've read anything because I wanted to since I moved up here, and I know that other than a couple short entries here, I haven't written anything. It's weird. I used to read constantly, and write almost as much. It was very therapeutic, and right now I do need that.
Be a kinder person.
This one's tough. After the whole roommate fiasco, I thought it was all her. But then I thought about it and realized that this sarcastic shell I put up to protect myself does nothing but hurt the people around me, even when I don't realize it. Obviously, the last thing I want to do is upset the people I care about, but that's what I often inevitably do. J has been an amazing force in my life in the past year, but in the past six weeks, especially, making me think of things from other people's point of view, helping me live in the moment, and be more calm about everything. He and the boyfriend are chipping that shell apart, one piece at a time, and re-exposing me to the world that I tried to shut myself out of for so long.
Talk to my mom more often.
We were never close when I was growing up, and now that I've moved out and we aren't arguing all the time, we have a better relationship, but I know I don't talk to her enough. My bad.
Be a healthier person.
This goes with all aspects of my life, not just physical health. I need to lose weight, not just because I want to look better, but because I don't like being out of breath when I walk up the stairs (although, being thinner is a plus). It's mental health--I need to come to terms with things that happened in my past, even if that means bringing back memories I don't want to relive ever again.
Go to InterVarsity every week.
I guess this kinda fits the health thing- my spiritual health. J is trying to get me involved with my faith again...after I turned 13, I completely lost all sense of direction, and even if Christianity isn't where I end up, I need to start somewhere, because right now, I don't believe anything, and it's killing me.
Remember why I chose this path for myself.
Last night, I took a 20 minute break to prepare my brain for Bach, and TubaMan was taking his own 20 minute decompression break, playing Postal Service and Something Corporate on the piano in the room across from me. I went in there to ask him a serious question, and it turned into us just talking for 20 minutes. Pretty awesome. One of the things he told me, though, was that at Fall Kickoff, one of the speakers talked about how before college, the reason people go into music is all passion. By college, you're completely focused on technique, and a lot of people forget the passion and that initial love for the music they're making. I still love it. I still love playing my instrument. I'm not to the point where I can completely stop thinking about my technique and just play; I won't be for a very long time. But I can play something and take a moment to remember why I do it--because I love it.
Stop procrastinating.
I am such a procrastinator. I really thought it would get better. I told myself it would get better. I got organized. I stayed organized, for once. For a few weeks, I stopped procrastinating, and actually did things the day they were assigned...and now I'm back to leaving papers til the day they're due. I'm frustrated with myself. I know it needs to change, because I'm busier than ever and every hour of my day is as packed as I can make it, but I lose steam after a few weeks...although, a few weeks is better than a few days, which is how I used to be. But it isn't just with school work. Cleaning, laundry, practicing, everything. I put everything off.
Practice every day.
I've gotten into a bad habit of going to my lesson on Wednesday and not practicing until Monday, and then freaking out because I'm so unprepared. I'm not as much of a musician as I could be because of this habit, and I want to progress more than I have in the past five weeks.
Read or write for enjoyment at least three times a week.
I miss reading and writing for myself. I don't think I've read anything because I wanted to since I moved up here, and I know that other than a couple short entries here, I haven't written anything. It's weird. I used to read constantly, and write almost as much. It was very therapeutic, and right now I do need that.
Be a kinder person.
This one's tough. After the whole roommate fiasco, I thought it was all her. But then I thought about it and realized that this sarcastic shell I put up to protect myself does nothing but hurt the people around me, even when I don't realize it. Obviously, the last thing I want to do is upset the people I care about, but that's what I often inevitably do. J has been an amazing force in my life in the past year, but in the past six weeks, especially, making me think of things from other people's point of view, helping me live in the moment, and be more calm about everything. He and the boyfriend are chipping that shell apart, one piece at a time, and re-exposing me to the world that I tried to shut myself out of for so long.
Talk to my mom more often.
We were never close when I was growing up, and now that I've moved out and we aren't arguing all the time, we have a better relationship, but I know I don't talk to her enough. My bad.
Be a healthier person.
This goes with all aspects of my life, not just physical health. I need to lose weight, not just because I want to look better, but because I don't like being out of breath when I walk up the stairs (although, being thinner is a plus). It's mental health--I need to come to terms with things that happened in my past, even if that means bringing back memories I don't want to relive ever again.
Go to InterVarsity every week.
I guess this kinda fits the health thing- my spiritual health. J is trying to get me involved with my faith again...after I turned 13, I completely lost all sense of direction, and even if Christianity isn't where I end up, I need to start somewhere, because right now, I don't believe anything, and it's killing me.
Remember why I chose this path for myself.
Last night, I took a 20 minute break to prepare my brain for Bach, and TubaMan was taking his own 20 minute decompression break, playing Postal Service and Something Corporate on the piano in the room across from me. I went in there to ask him a serious question, and it turned into us just talking for 20 minutes. Pretty awesome. One of the things he told me, though, was that at Fall Kickoff, one of the speakers talked about how before college, the reason people go into music is all passion. By college, you're completely focused on technique, and a lot of people forget the passion and that initial love for the music they're making. I still love it. I still love playing my instrument. I'm not to the point where I can completely stop thinking about my technique and just play; I won't be for a very long time. But I can play something and take a moment to remember why I do it--because I love it.
Monday, September 29, 2008
I'm just a fucked up girl looking for a little peace of mind.
Wow. I was so right. This weekend was worth the wait and more. He is the perfect person for me, and I am so lucky to have found someone like him. He makes no excuses for himself, and won't let me try to make excuses for my shit. He loves me for who I am. He wants me for my body and my mind. I've found guys who want one or the other, but he truly appreciates both. He has all this crap that he's been through, but all he seems concerned with is helping me with my problems...and I don't understand how one person's heart can be that big.
I love just being with him. I miss the feeling of his hand in mine, and it's going to be hard to fall asleep tonight without him here holding me (even though, let's face it, two tall people in a twin sized dorm bed sucks, a lot...). Bleh. He's the one person I feel truly comfortable with, and he's 400 freakin miles away.
Friday, I picked him up from the Greyhound station and skipped rehearsal to hang out with him. We didn't do anything other than lay in the grass and just talk. On Saturday, we decided to walk around downtown (I wanted to go exploring!) and got some really good food, and did too much walking in sandals. Sunday, we went out for breakfast and then (I) decided I wanted to get a movie to watch, so we did some more walking and got Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (somehow, I haven't seen it, but it's on his top 5, and now it's in mine, too.) I am Clementine, in so many ways. All the in between times were just spent sitting somewhere and talking...and even though he's ADD and can't sit still for more than 15 minutes at a time, it was still amazing. That's what I'll miss the most. I showed him my two places I go to write or just think, and now that someone has shared them with me, they aren't the same. Now they're us. And damn, do I like the sound of that. I really do think I'm falling in love with him. We walked back downtown on Saturday night for dinner, it poured, we almost jinxed the penultimate Diamondbacks game of the season, it poured some more, we walked some more...it didn't even matter that it was probbaly 40 degrees and raining outside...all that mattered, at that moment, and all weekend, was that we were together.
I took him to the Greyhound station this morning, and I missed him before he got on that bus. It was bizarre, walking those same paths through campus that (literally) just hours before I had been walking with him...I've just never felt like this with anyone else.
I love just being with him. I miss the feeling of his hand in mine, and it's going to be hard to fall asleep tonight without him here holding me (even though, let's face it, two tall people in a twin sized dorm bed sucks, a lot...). Bleh. He's the one person I feel truly comfortable with, and he's 400 freakin miles away.
Friday, I picked him up from the Greyhound station and skipped rehearsal to hang out with him. We didn't do anything other than lay in the grass and just talk. On Saturday, we decided to walk around downtown (I wanted to go exploring!) and got some really good food, and did too much walking in sandals. Sunday, we went out for breakfast and then (I) decided I wanted to get a movie to watch, so we did some more walking and got Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (somehow, I haven't seen it, but it's on his top 5, and now it's in mine, too.) I am Clementine, in so many ways. All the in between times were just spent sitting somewhere and talking...and even though he's ADD and can't sit still for more than 15 minutes at a time, it was still amazing. That's what I'll miss the most. I showed him my two places I go to write or just think, and now that someone has shared them with me, they aren't the same. Now they're us. And damn, do I like the sound of that. I really do think I'm falling in love with him. We walked back downtown on Saturday night for dinner, it poured, we almost jinxed the penultimate Diamondbacks game of the season, it poured some more, we walked some more...it didn't even matter that it was probbaly 40 degrees and raining outside...all that mattered, at that moment, and all weekend, was that we were together.
I took him to the Greyhound station this morning, and I missed him before he got on that bus. It was bizarre, walking those same paths through campus that (literally) just hours before I had been walking with him...I've just never felt like this with anyone else.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
I'm thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss, they're perfectly aligned.
This weekend is going to be amazing. I can't wait.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Pain
I've been waking up with cramps in my legs lately. Two days ago, I woke up to one so bad behind my right knee that I was in tears. It still hurts. And not just a "oh, my leg hurts" pain...a "holy shit I can't put any weight on my right leg" pain. So much for yoga class. I should really go to InterVarsity tonight, but I don't know if I'll be able to make it up there. I'm wondering if I really messed up my one good knee. This seriously sucks.
Aside from the continous physical pain, which is nothing new, I'm in a little bit of emotional pain (isn't really anything new, either...). I miss knowing that everything is going to work itself out...and I miss the assurance of having a boyfriend, knowing that there's someone there to listen to me if I just need to talk and is always on my side...but The Boy was a bad boyfriend. Tall and Mysterious is going to make a great one, if it works out. But somehow, I keep picking guys that are on the opposite side of the state from me...but he's making an actual attempt to come visit me.
Sight-singing and dictation is hurting my brain.
Arguments with friends are hurting my soul.
Rearranging dorm rooms hurts my toe (I dropped something on it.)
Sitting in symphony rehearsals hurts my back.
Practicing for hours at a time hurts my fingers.
Remembering the death of a loved one hurts my heart.
Aside from the continous physical pain, which is nothing new, I'm in a little bit of emotional pain (isn't really anything new, either...). I miss knowing that everything is going to work itself out...and I miss the assurance of having a boyfriend, knowing that there's someone there to listen to me if I just need to talk and is always on my side...but The Boy was a bad boyfriend. Tall and Mysterious is going to make a great one, if it works out. But somehow, I keep picking guys that are on the opposite side of the state from me...but he's making an actual attempt to come visit me.
Sight-singing and dictation is hurting my brain.
Arguments with friends are hurting my soul.
Rearranging dorm rooms hurts my toe (I dropped something on it.)
Sitting in symphony rehearsals hurts my back.
Practicing for hours at a time hurts my fingers.
Remembering the death of a loved one hurts my heart.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
fever dream
I have no idea what happened. This was supposed to be perfect, but you say I'm "bringing you down" and you want to move out. I wish you would have told me sooner. I would never say anything to hurt you. Not on purpose. I understand that this has been hard for you, but it hasn't been a cakewalk for me, either. I'm just better at hiding my emotions. I guess it's just hard for me when you talk about The Perfect Boy, and I'm still looking for him...and I like to think I've found him, and then you point out his shortcomings. I don't know what I'm doing here, and I don't know why I'm wasting my time. I know you miss your family, and can't figure out why I don't...but I do, more than I thought I would. And more than that, I miss my friends. You and A have changed since we moved...maybe you haven't changed, but I'm realizing that I can't be around the two of you all the time. And I miss the friends in the Valley that were my family. Some days, I feel like I've made a huge mistake moving up here...I don't want us to not be friends after this, but I don't think I can spend all my time with you anymore, otherwise we really will sabotage our friendship by the end.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Freshman Update 1
Well, I'm a week in and I love it more than I could have ever imagined. I knew it would be a good change for me, but this is pretty much the perfect situation for me.
I moved out, the parents left, and I turned 18. I started classes, placed second to last chair in symphony (ha.) and am living with my best friend. I've hung out with all the people I love more than I ever did in high school. I've stayed up late, laughing about nothing. I've shared meals with the most amazing people, taken long walks around campus, and done whatever the fuck I want for an entire week, and I have another four years of this. I love my life. I love my friends.
If laughing really does make you live longer, this experience will add years to our lives.
I moved out, the parents left, and I turned 18. I started classes, placed second to last chair in symphony (ha.) and am living with my best friend. I've hung out with all the people I love more than I ever did in high school. I've stayed up late, laughing about nothing. I've shared meals with the most amazing people, taken long walks around campus, and done whatever the fuck I want for an entire week, and I have another four years of this. I love my life. I love my friends.
If laughing really does make you live longer, this experience will add years to our lives.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Packing...
I don't want to.
I thought I was so ready for this, but I'm really not. I'm excited, but it hit me a few days ago that I really don't know what to expect, and that kinda scares me a lot.
I've been packing all day, and really, the only thing I've managed to get done is rip my room apart and shove all my clothes into 3 suitcases. So, my clothes (except for what I'm wearing for the next 8 or 9 days) are packed. And that is it. Nothing has been cleaned, nothing has been packed, but I have had a mini-breakdown and dumped it on him...and he came through with flying colors. Again. Somehow, no matter how much I'm freaking out, he knows exactly what to say to make me feel better. Mini-breakdowns seem to be the theme of this summer...and always while I'm cleaning (physically or mentally). I've probably cried more this summer than I have in the past three years, and I'm glad. Crying makes me think, and as much as I hate it, my head is always clearer after a long crying jag. I think I'm a different person today than I was on May 22nd, and the person I was on May 22nd is different than the one I was when I started senior year...things that happen.
Senior year was crazy. I found out who my true friends were, and there was even more of that during this summer. I realized that graduating really does pull you away from the people that are still in high school, no matter how close you are to them. I'm really glad that BFF is my roommate for next year. Shit. Nine days. Which means there's only what, twelve til I'm legal? Sweet. I'm completely ready for college...but I'm starting to feel anxious and a little apprehensive. Not as cocksure as I usually am about everything. I can't imagine how I would have been if I had ended up at East Coast Women's College or Large California Public University...probably a nervous wreck. But instead, I'm only a little nervous, and counting on the fact that I'm only a two hour drive from home to calm me down.
I'm sure that once I'm there, I'll be fine.
I thought I was so ready for this, but I'm really not. I'm excited, but it hit me a few days ago that I really don't know what to expect, and that kinda scares me a lot.
I've been packing all day, and really, the only thing I've managed to get done is rip my room apart and shove all my clothes into 3 suitcases. So, my clothes (except for what I'm wearing for the next 8 or 9 days) are packed. And that is it. Nothing has been cleaned, nothing has been packed, but I have had a mini-breakdown and dumped it on him...and he came through with flying colors. Again. Somehow, no matter how much I'm freaking out, he knows exactly what to say to make me feel better. Mini-breakdowns seem to be the theme of this summer...and always while I'm cleaning (physically or mentally). I've probably cried more this summer than I have in the past three years, and I'm glad. Crying makes me think, and as much as I hate it, my head is always clearer after a long crying jag. I think I'm a different person today than I was on May 22nd, and the person I was on May 22nd is different than the one I was when I started senior year...things that happen.
Senior year was crazy. I found out who my true friends were, and there was even more of that during this summer. I realized that graduating really does pull you away from the people that are still in high school, no matter how close you are to them. I'm really glad that BFF is my roommate for next year. Shit. Nine days. Which means there's only what, twelve til I'm legal? Sweet. I'm completely ready for college...but I'm starting to feel anxious and a little apprehensive. Not as cocksure as I usually am about everything. I can't imagine how I would have been if I had ended up at East Coast Women's College or Large California Public University...probably a nervous wreck. But instead, I'm only a little nervous, and counting on the fact that I'm only a two hour drive from home to calm me down.
I'm sure that once I'm there, I'll be fine.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Baseball...
I love my Diamondbacks. Been to three games in the past week, in fact. They've lost all three, but it was still good times. I think I've been to more games this summer than I have in the past nine seasons combined. I've become something of a fanatic this year, and I like it. What I don't like, however, is the assumption that because I'm female I don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to baseball. J and I went to the second game of the Braves series on Friday night. She's a lifelong Red Sox fan, I'm a lifelong Diamondbacks fan, and we got in an argument about the DH. She likes it, I don't. The two men in front of us seemed to think we were a novelty- keeping score, knowing what we were talking about, knowing the importance of different statistics, making fun of the RallyBacks (baseball bimbos)...well, excuse me for living, eating, and breathing baseball. I can't help that I choose to know more about a sport than most guys.
Speaking of...guys? If you want a girl who likes baseball, you should look amongst your own friends first. I have so many guy friends that love baseball who say things like "I wish I could find a girl that likes baseball..." I just want to say. "Um...HELLO. right here. Yeah, hi." That goes for any other random interest, not just baseball. Also...if you find a girl who says she likes baseball, test her by watching a game at home, not taking her. You may have found the girl who will say she likes anything for a guy to like her...and she'll end up being the girl that wears the heels to a baseball game for the trudge to the nosebleeds. BAD.
I love baseball. I don't always know what I'm talking about (sabremetrics, anyone?), but I do try. I would drop any plans for a chance to go to a game...but I've imposed a ban from Chase Field on myself for the rest of the season. Maybe they'll stop losing.
Speaking of...guys? If you want a girl who likes baseball, you should look amongst your own friends first. I have so many guy friends that love baseball who say things like "I wish I could find a girl that likes baseball..." I just want to say. "Um...HELLO. right here. Yeah, hi." That goes for any other random interest, not just baseball. Also...if you find a girl who says she likes baseball, test her by watching a game at home, not taking her. You may have found the girl who will say she likes anything for a guy to like her...and she'll end up being the girl that wears the heels to a baseball game for the trudge to the nosebleeds. BAD.
I love baseball. I don't always know what I'm talking about (sabremetrics, anyone?), but I do try. I would drop any plans for a chance to go to a game...but I've imposed a ban from Chase Field on myself for the rest of the season. Maybe they'll stop losing.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Shattered.
Next weekend, I might end up doing something that I thought I would never do.
I think I'm setting myself up to break my own heart, this time.
(How many times can I break before I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after)
I think I'm setting myself up to break my own heart, this time.
(How many times can I break before I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after)
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Thoughts.
My high school started classes yesterday. It's weird, not being there...but I don't miss it. At all. I'm packing for college, and that thought freaks me out. I thought I was ready for this...but I thought wrong.
The roadtrip was absolutely amazing. I'm giving up on tanning, though, because my Irish skin just doesn't like the sun- I got no color at the beach, but in the same amount of time at a baseball game, with the same amount of sunscreen, I got a bizarre sunburn on the tops of my thighs, face, and scalp, along with a kick ass flip flop tan.
NAU move-in is in 13 days.
My 18th birthday is in 16 days.
Yeah, I'm not counting down, or anything...but holy shit. I have less than two weeks.
The roadtrip was absolutely amazing. I'm giving up on tanning, though, because my Irish skin just doesn't like the sun- I got no color at the beach, but in the same amount of time at a baseball game, with the same amount of sunscreen, I got a bizarre sunburn on the tops of my thighs, face, and scalp, along with a kick ass flip flop tan.
NAU move-in is in 13 days.
My 18th birthday is in 16 days.
Yeah, I'm not counting down, or anything...but holy shit. I have less than two weeks.
Monday, August 4, 2008
8
I had a fantastic time.
And we didn't get too horribly lost...home in one piece. That's always good, right?
And we didn't get too horribly lost...home in one piece. That's always good, right?
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
7
BFF and I leave between 5 and 6 am Friday for our trip, and it is going to be quite the adventure... She's never been to California. I've never driven there. I've been by myself, but it's always been on a plane, meeting someone at the airport. So, BFF has no idea where she's going, and you've got me as navigator. I am the most directionally challenged person I know...and I get to handle the map. WOO. We are probably going to get hopelessly lost somewhere in Southern California, but it will be fantastic, and I am so excited.
Tomorrow, we're having a huge trip to Target for roadtrip essentials- soda, sunscreen, snacks, and trashy magazines, mostly- and whatever else we think we'll need. I might grab a couple beach towels, just so we don't deplete my family's supply over the (very hot 114 degree) weekend. I already bought myself a couple really cute bikinis, so no swimsuit shopping will be necessary, thank God.
I'm so glad I turned down other trip offers to go with her. This will be brilliantly retarded (thank you, John Oliver, for putting that on the Daily Show) as only we could do it.
I'm not sure whether or not I'll be taking the laptop. Grandma doesn't have wireless, but pretty much anywhere we go in SoCal will. I'm the first to admit that I am pretty much completely addicted to Facebook and my email, and although I'm sure I'll be ok without it for a couple days, I'm not sure how everyone in cyberspace will react. I need a break from the drama of the past week...but I do need to stay updated, because I'm still involved in this mess.
So, we're down to the hour countdown! :-D
32 hours til the roadtrip with the BFF.
21 days til I move out/in.
24 days til I turn 18.
25 days til classes start.
Tomorrow, we're having a huge trip to Target for roadtrip essentials- soda, sunscreen, snacks, and trashy magazines, mostly- and whatever else we think we'll need. I might grab a couple beach towels, just so we don't deplete my family's supply over the (very hot 114 degree) weekend. I already bought myself a couple really cute bikinis, so no swimsuit shopping will be necessary, thank God.
I'm so glad I turned down other trip offers to go with her. This will be brilliantly retarded (thank you, John Oliver, for putting that on the Daily Show) as only we could do it.
I'm not sure whether or not I'll be taking the laptop. Grandma doesn't have wireless, but pretty much anywhere we go in SoCal will. I'm the first to admit that I am pretty much completely addicted to Facebook and my email, and although I'm sure I'll be ok without it for a couple days, I'm not sure how everyone in cyberspace will react. I need a break from the drama of the past week...but I do need to stay updated, because I'm still involved in this mess.
So, we're down to the hour countdown! :-D
32 hours til the roadtrip with the BFF.
21 days til I move out/in.
24 days til I turn 18.
25 days til classes start.
I'm such a fool for you...
Possibly my favorite song ever.
Linger, by the Cranberries.
If you, if you could return
Don’t let it burn, don’t let it fade
I’m sure I’m not being rude
But it’s just your attitude
It’s tearing me apart
It’s ruining everything
And I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you
But I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrongI was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn’t be so confused
And I wouldn’t feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you
And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to. do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
::sigh::
It's taken on a whole new meaning this past week.
Linger, by the Cranberries.
If you, if you could return
Don’t let it burn, don’t let it fade
I’m sure I’m not being rude
But it’s just your attitude
It’s tearing me apart
It’s ruining everything
And I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you
But I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrongI was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn’t be so confused
And I wouldn’t feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you
And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to. do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
::sigh::
It's taken on a whole new meaning this past week.
Monday, July 28, 2008
More letters.
This one was just angry. And will be sent...just not sure when. I may even post it on here.
Roadtrip- 3 days.
Moving Out- 23 days.
Birthday- 26 days.
Classes start- 27 days.
Can't come soon enough.
Roadtrip- 3 days.
Moving Out- 23 days.
Birthday- 26 days.
Classes start- 27 days.
Can't come soon enough.
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