Seriously?

What kind of girl do you take me for?

No, I will not cheat on my boyfriend just so I can "see what [I've] been missing" since we broke up.





Fuck. You. Whore.

Pardon me if I decide I suddenly don't feel like talking to you.
"All a real man needs is his tongue and the alphabet"? "Maybe I could show you sometime?"?!?!

A real man needs to know how to treat his girl, make her feel safe, tell her what he feels and satisfy her every need.
I'm with a real man.

You've still got a lot to learn. Go fuck yourself.

The Road

The first novel we're reading this semester in my English class is Cormac McCarthy's The Road.



It is honestly the most terrifying thing I have ever read, and I'm only 100 pages in.

11

A guy in my music theory class asked me out last week. He's known me since the beginning of last semester (we had the worst class ever together) and has known me since I've been attached at the hip. I realized yesterday that anytime I think about Wesley, I automatically smile. And since I miss him a lot and think about him all the time, I suppose I'm smiling all the time.

Maybe it is true. Maybe people in relationships are more attractive because they're happier.

"Stop frowning, because you never know who could be falling in love with your smile."

Tuesday Random 10.

It snowed all day yesterday. It wasn't particularly cold, just really, really windy. I guess it was about 2 inches? And, as a plus, I only fell down once. (Ice under snow, fell right on my ass) The mountains almost glow the day after it snows...bright white against a pure blue sky. Absolutely beautiful.

I don't know that I'll actually miss Flagstaff; I'm pretty sure I'll be tired of the snow by May. But right now, I love love love it.

I kinda still like orchestra (even though that's getting on my nerves, big time), and I absolutely love music theory. Piano is...eh, and I just think sight-singing is a waste of my time. Lessons, on the other hand, I HATE. I realized today that I would be just fine not playing any solo rep for awhile. I think that's a problem and the biggest reason I'm switching? changing? exploring other options. Yeah.

My knees don't handle cold weather very well. As much as I'd like to live somewhere other than the desert...I don't think my body would handle it very well. New York, Chicago, Boston, Minneapolis, San Fransisco, Portland, Seattle, London, and Dublin are all on my list of places I'd love to live. Notice the theme? All have heavy precipitation and not warm weather.

I think I'd do better in large metro area than I would in a place like Flagstaff. I go stir-crazy too easily.

Watching some Arthurian movie with the roommate for her English class. I. Hate. Epics.

As much as I hate stereotypical gender roles and portrayals, I can't help but honestly get distracted by sparkly things. Like large diamonds. Like this one. Oh, I would melt if someone gave me that ring. Or any ring. Honestly, I don't want a huge diamond. I'd rather have a small ring or an antique ring or a necklace or anything that meant something to me and the man proposing to me. Hell. Wesley and I have talked about getting matching tattoos. That'd be meaningful.

I love Rachel Maddow.

I can't wait for February 11th (Demetri Martin ftw!).

I wish I didn't have to wait for May to roll around.

New Year's Resolutions...or something.

I suppose I'm about a month behind...but I need to get these somewhere. I'm not really one for resolutions, but I know there're things that I need to change. (Plus, an update on my October resolutions, woo!)

First, updates.
Stop procrastinating? Hasn't happened. Right now, I'm putting off a paper.
Practice every day. It got better, but I haven't had a lesson yet this semester.
Read or write for enjoyment at least three times a week- I whittled that down to once a week, because I have no time. I did read 3 books over break, though. Go me!
Be a kinder person...I think I'm doing well on that one. You'd have to tell me, though.
Talk to my mom more often. Hah.
Go to InterVarsity every week? Nope. Honestly, I don't know that I'm Christian. Spiritual, yes. Christian, not really. I'm not a fan of organized religion. I don't think I ever will be.

Aaaaand resolutions!

STOP PROCRASTINATING. Obviously, I still have problems with that. I probably always will. But I really, really, really need to get over it. I can't keep leaving papers until the week of, day before, day that they're due. It kills my grades and my self-esteem and ARGH.

Take care of my appearance. A few days ago, Wesley told me that I can be "plain and unassuming at times, but sometimes, you're downright gorgeous." I honestly did not know how to respond to that. I really don't think that I'm all that good looking, but he's been amazing telling me how beautiful he thinks I am. I guess sometimes I just decide it isn't worth the effort to do my makeup, find cute clothes, and blah blah blah. I really do want to make myself look more presentable, but I've had a freakin horrible time finding cute clothes that fit and look good. I'm hoping he can help me out with that one...I know he thinks my body's amazing and he wishes I'd show it off more, but I'm really really not comfortable enough with myself to do that.

Move to Tucson. I'm so ready to get out of here. I am lonely here, I can count the number of friends I have on one hand, and I'm not doing music after this semester, so there's no reason for me to stay here. But before I do that, I need to...

Pass all my classes. Simple enough.

Find a job and keep it all semester. If I plan on moving to Tucson and going to UofA, I will not have any help from my parents. I need to find a job (yesterday), keep it for the entire semester, and save most of the money I make at said job so that I can afford to live and go to school somewhere else.

Better Together

I had no idea one person could make me this happy.

We're both insanely weird, we both have shit in our pasts, but somehow, we are absolutely perfect together. He loves me for who I am, even though who I am isn't always great. It amazes me how someone with their own fairly large problems can take my shit and carry it better than I can.

My heart melts every time he kisses me, every time he calls me gorgeous, sexy, beautiful, every time time I get to see him after too long apart, every time he smiles at me, every time he hugs me or holds me or even touches me. Everything he does makes me fall a little bit more in love with him. I used to wonder how I fell in love with him so fast, but I realize now that it doesn't matter how or why I fell for him so hard, because I have been happier with him in the past 5 months than I can ever remember being before in my life. Yes, the distance sucks, but I really, truly believe that it makes our relationship that much stronger.

He is my best friend, my soulmate, and the only man I want in my life.

So here's to you, baby. I can't believe we've made it this far, and I think we'll be together forever. I love you. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Oooohhhhoohhhhohhooohhooohhooohoooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music, feel the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Buckle up. (Part I)

This is going to be quite the trip.


Let's start with school. I don't like it. I don't like NAU. The campus is okay, but the school itself is a bit too small for me. I despise living in the dorms and the repetition of the Union's food choices.

I can honestly count the number of close friends I have here on one hand, and that's not okay with me. Sure, I have plenty of casual friends, girls I'd feel comfortable going out and partying with, but that's not who I am or what I need. I need real relationships, people I can trust, and feel comfortable sharing anything with because I know I'll get good advice and not be judged. Yes, I have a hard time trusting people, and I tend to push some good people away, but I need the people that are willing to break through that. I just don't have that here.

Music...oh, where to begin? It was my passion. Playing cello kept my soul alive. Being in orchestra and choir connected me with the people I cared about most in high school and then kept me connnected with them. But there's the thing. People. I was discussing it with Robin, and I really think that that is the reason I loved orchestra so much. It was another family. Being a music major isn't about being in orchestra. It's about being with yourself and your instrument for too many hours a week, improving so that you can compete with the people that you were there to have fun with. I'm not okay with that. It was my passion, something that I did because I wanted to, because I could...and then it became something that I had to do, and now I resent it. I need a break from cello. I really think that I'm meant to help people, and I don't see how I can do that sitting by myself and practicing constantly. I loved that I didn't take my cello out of it's case the entire break. I gave myself a break, and I'm hoping that it helps me get through this last semester before I leave cello behind for as long as I need to. I have no doubt that I'll come back to it eventually-my life would be completely empty without music in it-but I don't know when that will be. So, yes, I'll probably miss playing in orchestra, but I won't miss spending more time in the practice room than I do with people I care about, worrying about what chair I am, arranging my schedule around orchestra rehearsals, turning down plans because I have to practice/rehearse/play a concert, or having my back hurt constantly. I plan on teaching myself how to play guitar (something I've always wanted to do, but never had the time for) and maybe writing my own songs.

9

I've started this post about 7 times but can't collect my thoughts enough to finish it.





Well, balls.


Edit: Half of the aforementioned post is now up.

Update

I am "highly admissible" to the University of Arizona.
Guess where I'll be in the fall? Yay Tucson.

Actually, currently in Tucson, so more later.

Auld Lang Syne

Well, it's officially 2009...has been for five minutes. I just realized I haven't updated since...oh, forever ago, so I figured I'd do one now.

Stayed home. Did nothing. Had a virtual kiss from my boyfriend. Stupid not being able to see each other.

Some resolutions, then, I suppose?
Pass all my classes
Figure out where I'm going to school in the fall
Get a job
Keep losing weight

Trying to keep it simple, yeah? It hasn't been a bad year, but it hasn't been a fantastic one, either. I did meet my soulmate. :)

This little song is about second chances...

As much as I hate it, I'm realizing that there are just some relationships that I had that weren't healthy and it's a really good thing that they've ended, no matter how painful it is.

On the upside of that, I'm also finding the people who really care about me and would do anything to make sure I'm happy and healthy, and I give thanks every day for them.

Frustration.

I'm starting to dread waking up in the morning, the routine of class after class, day after day.

This isn't how college is supposed to be. This isn't how it's supposed to be if I'm doing something I love....right?

It feels like I'm squandering my life away in the music building. I can only practice so much, and I'm starting to resent cello.

I'm starting to hate the honors program. We write far too many papers in the required freshman English, and really? Why make me take two semesters of English instead of getting on with other things that I could be taking?

Argh.

I don't wanna cycle or recycle revenge

I've realized that I don't take anything seriously enough. Mostly with school, and especially with my music classes. I have this bad habit of ignoring things that are easy, and panicking when I realize my grade is low. It's happening right now in Sightsinging and Dictation, and it will happen in my English class. It's already happened in piano. I just want to take classes that interest me. Sightsinging? Not so much. Class piano? Definitely not. English? Sorta, but not the stuff we're covering.

I'm thinking about changing my major. Not just thinking, definitely seriously considering. I don't think performance will get me anywhere, and I don't think I'll be able to cut it...especially considering the history of this studio. My professor hasn't graduated a performance major from her studio in at least five years, and she can't even prepare people to pass their upper-division juries (sorry. music speak.). I want to do a music degree, but not performance and definitely not education. I need to check on if my scholarship is affected by me being a BA student instead of a BMPerf, and what the requirements are.

I know I won't make it in performance. There aren't enough jobs, and I'm not good enough. I don't want to teach. I'm really thinking about finishing my music degree (I'm paying for it, I'm going to do something I want to do...) and then going to med school. I've always wanted to do something in psychology or psychiatry, but I'm not positive what. Maybe I'll find some other medical field that I love and...yeah. Something needs to change. I can't perform my entire life, and I want to help people. I'm meant to do some good in this world, I can feel it.

A few side notes:
There's a full on politics/election post in the works. Hang tight.
I may be moving this blog over to WordPress.

I am completely and totally in love.

Don't waste your time on me, you're already a voice inside my head.

I don't know what it was about today.

I slept through piano, even though I intended to go. Went to Starbucks instead. Read and drank coffee for awhile. Went to choir. The concert on Sunday is seriously going to suck. Went to sightsinging. That class always sucks, but it was particularly bad today. Grabbed a quick lunch. Went to my lesson, which was actually pretty good. Came back to my room, talked to the boyfriend. Up until about 3 pm, my day was just ok. It could have been better, but it also could have been worse. And then I had to go to symphony. Orchestra has been frustrating...fun, but frustrating. WE CAN'T BE CHANGING SHIT TWO DAYS BEFORE A CONCERT. Argh. And it didn't help that it was hot on stage, and my back hurt, and I just did not want to be there. I don't know. I'm ready to play new music, even if it is music for Opera Scenes. So that sucked. After symphony, I came back to my room, and just cried for about an hour. I told everyone that I was taking a nap, but no. Definitely just crying. I miss the boy, I'm frustrated with school, I'm slightly homesick, and I feel like no one up here really cares. I miss my friends (the real family) who are currently scattered across the country. I hurt, emotionally and physically.

Wow. Just looked at my mirror. I look like I haven't slept in weeks. ::sigh::

Finally.

I think I've rediscovered the passion that put me here.

I still owe you for the hole in the floor...

I suck at keeping New Year's resolutions, so I've made myself some beginning of October resolutions.

Stop procrastinating.
I am such a procrastinator. I really thought it would get better. I told myself it would get better. I got organized. I stayed organized, for once. For a few weeks, I stopped procrastinating, and actually did things the day they were assigned...and now I'm back to leaving papers til the day they're due. I'm frustrated with myself. I know it needs to change, because I'm busier than ever and every hour of my day is as packed as I can make it, but I lose steam after a few weeks...although, a few weeks is better than a few days, which is how I used to be. But it isn't just with school work. Cleaning, laundry, practicing, everything. I put everything off.
Practice every day.
I've gotten into a bad habit of going to my lesson on Wednesday and not practicing until Monday, and then freaking out because I'm so unprepared. I'm not as much of a musician as I could be because of this habit, and I want to progress more than I have in the past five weeks.
Read or write for enjoyment at least three times a week.
I miss reading and writing for myself. I don't think I've read anything because I wanted to since I moved up here, and I know that other than a couple short entries here, I haven't written anything. It's weird. I used to read constantly, and write almost as much. It was very therapeutic, and right now I do need that.
Be a kinder person.
This one's tough. After the whole roommate fiasco, I thought it was all her. But then I thought about it and realized that this sarcastic shell I put up to protect myself does nothing but hurt the people around me, even when I don't realize it. Obviously, the last thing I want to do is upset the people I care about, but that's what I often inevitably do. J has been an amazing force in my life in the past year, but in the past six weeks, especially, making me think of things from other people's point of view, helping me live in the moment, and be more calm about everything. He and the boyfriend are chipping that shell apart, one piece at a time, and re-exposing me to the world that I tried to shut myself out of for so long.
Talk to my mom more often.
We were never close when I was growing up, and now that I've moved out and we aren't arguing all the time, we have a better relationship, but I know I don't talk to her enough. My bad.
Be a healthier person.
This goes with all aspects of my life, not just physical health. I need to lose weight, not just because I want to look better, but because I don't like being out of breath when I walk up the stairs (although, being thinner is a plus). It's mental health--I need to come to terms with things that happened in my past, even if that means bringing back memories I don't want to relive ever again.
Go to InterVarsity every week.
I guess this kinda fits the health thing- my spiritual health. J is trying to get me involved with my faith again...after I turned 13, I completely lost all sense of direction, and even if Christianity isn't where I end up, I need to start somewhere, because right now, I don't believe anything, and it's killing me.
Remember why I chose this path for myself.
Last night, I took a 20 minute break to prepare my brain for Bach, and TubaMan was taking his own 20 minute decompression break, playing Postal Service and Something Corporate on the piano in the room across from me. I went in there to ask him a serious question, and it turned into us just talking for 20 minutes. Pretty awesome. One of the things he told me, though, was that at Fall Kickoff, one of the speakers talked about how before college, the reason people go into music is all passion. By college, you're completely focused on technique, and a lot of people forget the passion and that initial love for the music they're making. I still love it. I still love playing my instrument. I'm not to the point where I can completely stop thinking about my technique and just play; I won't be for a very long time. But I can play something and take a moment to remember why I do it--because I love it.

I'm just a fucked up girl looking for a little peace of mind.

Wow. I was so right. This weekend was worth the wait and more. He is the perfect person for me, and I am so lucky to have found someone like him. He makes no excuses for himself, and won't let me try to make excuses for my shit. He loves me for who I am. He wants me for my body and my mind. I've found guys who want one or the other, but he truly appreciates both. He has all this crap that he's been through, but all he seems concerned with is helping me with my problems...and I don't understand how one person's heart can be that big.

I love just being with him. I miss the feeling of his hand in mine, and it's going to be hard to fall asleep tonight without him here holding me (even though, let's face it, two tall people in a twin sized dorm bed sucks, a lot...). Bleh. He's the one person I feel truly comfortable with, and he's 400 freakin miles away.

Friday, I picked him up from the Greyhound station and skipped rehearsal to hang out with him. We didn't do anything other than lay in the grass and just talk. On Saturday, we decided to walk around downtown (I wanted to go exploring!) and got some really good food, and did too much walking in sandals. Sunday, we went out for breakfast and then (I) decided I wanted to get a movie to watch, so we did some more walking and got Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (somehow, I haven't seen it, but it's on his top 5, and now it's in mine, too.) I am Clementine, in so many ways. All the in between times were just spent sitting somewhere and talking...and even though he's ADD and can't sit still for more than 15 minutes at a time, it was still amazing. That's what I'll miss the most. I showed him my two places I go to write or just think, and now that someone has shared them with me, they aren't the same. Now they're us. And damn, do I like the sound of that. I really do think I'm falling in love with him. We walked back downtown on Saturday night for dinner, it poured, we almost jinxed the penultimate Diamondbacks game of the season, it poured some more, we walked some more...it didn't even matter that it was probbaly 40 degrees and raining outside...all that mattered, at that moment, and all weekend, was that we were together.

I took him to the Greyhound station this morning, and I missed him before he got on that bus. It was bizarre, walking those same paths through campus that (literally) just hours before I had been walking with him...I've just never felt like this with anyone else.

I'm thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss, they're perfectly aligned.

This weekend is going to be amazing. I can't wait.

Pain

I've been waking up with cramps in my legs lately. Two days ago, I woke up to one so bad behind my right knee that I was in tears. It still hurts. And not just a "oh, my leg hurts" pain...a "holy shit I can't put any weight on my right leg" pain. So much for yoga class. I should really go to InterVarsity tonight, but I don't know if I'll be able to make it up there. I'm wondering if I really messed up my one good knee. This seriously sucks.

Aside from the continous physical pain, which is nothing new, I'm in a little bit of emotional pain (isn't really anything new, either...). I miss knowing that everything is going to work itself out...and I miss the assurance of having a boyfriend, knowing that there's someone there to listen to me if I just need to talk and is always on my side...but The Boy was a bad boyfriend. Tall and Mysterious is going to make a great one, if it works out. But somehow, I keep picking guys that are on the opposite side of the state from me...but he's making an actual attempt to come visit me.

Sight-singing and dictation is hurting my brain.

Arguments with friends are hurting my soul.

Rearranging dorm rooms hurts my toe (I dropped something on it.)

Sitting in symphony rehearsals hurts my back.

Practicing for hours at a time hurts my fingers.

Remembering the death of a loved one hurts my heart.

fever dream

I have no idea what happened. This was supposed to be perfect, but you say I'm "bringing you down" and you want to move out. I wish you would have told me sooner. I would never say anything to hurt you. Not on purpose. I understand that this has been hard for you, but it hasn't been a cakewalk for me, either. I'm just better at hiding my emotions. I guess it's just hard for me when you talk about The Perfect Boy, and I'm still looking for him...and I like to think I've found him, and then you point out his shortcomings. I don't know what I'm doing here, and I don't know why I'm wasting my time. I know you miss your family, and can't figure out why I don't...but I do, more than I thought I would. And more than that, I miss my friends. You and A have changed since we moved...maybe you haven't changed, but I'm realizing that I can't be around the two of you all the time. And I miss the friends in the Valley that were my family. Some days, I feel like I've made a huge mistake moving up here...I don't want us to not be friends after this, but I don't think I can spend all my time with you anymore, otherwise we really will sabotage our friendship by the end.