Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
7
BFF and I leave between 5 and 6 am Friday for our trip, and it is going to be quite the adventure... She's never been to California. I've never driven there. I've been by myself, but it's always been on a plane, meeting someone at the airport. So, BFF has no idea where she's going, and you've got me as navigator. I am the most directionally challenged person I know...and I get to handle the map. WOO. We are probably going to get hopelessly lost somewhere in Southern California, but it will be fantastic, and I am so excited.
Tomorrow, we're having a huge trip to Target for roadtrip essentials- soda, sunscreen, snacks, and trashy magazines, mostly- and whatever else we think we'll need. I might grab a couple beach towels, just so we don't deplete my family's supply over the (very hot 114 degree) weekend. I already bought myself a couple really cute bikinis, so no swimsuit shopping will be necessary, thank God.
I'm so glad I turned down other trip offers to go with her. This will be brilliantly retarded (thank you, John Oliver, for putting that on the Daily Show) as only we could do it.
I'm not sure whether or not I'll be taking the laptop. Grandma doesn't have wireless, but pretty much anywhere we go in SoCal will. I'm the first to admit that I am pretty much completely addicted to Facebook and my email, and although I'm sure I'll be ok without it for a couple days, I'm not sure how everyone in cyberspace will react. I need a break from the drama of the past week...but I do need to stay updated, because I'm still involved in this mess.
So, we're down to the hour countdown! :-D
32 hours til the roadtrip with the BFF.
21 days til I move out/in.
24 days til I turn 18.
25 days til classes start.
Tomorrow, we're having a huge trip to Target for roadtrip essentials- soda, sunscreen, snacks, and trashy magazines, mostly- and whatever else we think we'll need. I might grab a couple beach towels, just so we don't deplete my family's supply over the (very hot 114 degree) weekend. I already bought myself a couple really cute bikinis, so no swimsuit shopping will be necessary, thank God.
I'm so glad I turned down other trip offers to go with her. This will be brilliantly retarded (thank you, John Oliver, for putting that on the Daily Show) as only we could do it.
I'm not sure whether or not I'll be taking the laptop. Grandma doesn't have wireless, but pretty much anywhere we go in SoCal will. I'm the first to admit that I am pretty much completely addicted to Facebook and my email, and although I'm sure I'll be ok without it for a couple days, I'm not sure how everyone in cyberspace will react. I need a break from the drama of the past week...but I do need to stay updated, because I'm still involved in this mess.
So, we're down to the hour countdown! :-D
32 hours til the roadtrip with the BFF.
21 days til I move out/in.
24 days til I turn 18.
25 days til classes start.
I'm such a fool for you...
Possibly my favorite song ever.
Linger, by the Cranberries.
If you, if you could return
Don’t let it burn, don’t let it fade
I’m sure I’m not being rude
But it’s just your attitude
It’s tearing me apart
It’s ruining everything
And I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you
But I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrongI was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn’t be so confused
And I wouldn’t feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you
And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to. do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
::sigh::
It's taken on a whole new meaning this past week.
Linger, by the Cranberries.
If you, if you could return
Don’t let it burn, don’t let it fade
I’m sure I’m not being rude
But it’s just your attitude
It’s tearing me apart
It’s ruining everything
And I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you
But I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrongI was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldn’t be so confused
And I wouldn’t feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you
And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to. do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
And I’m in so deep
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
You know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger
::sigh::
It's taken on a whole new meaning this past week.
Monday, July 28, 2008
More letters.
This one was just angry. And will be sent...just not sure when. I may even post it on here.
Roadtrip- 3 days.
Moving Out- 23 days.
Birthday- 26 days.
Classes start- 27 days.
Can't come soon enough.
Roadtrip- 3 days.
Moving Out- 23 days.
Birthday- 26 days.
Classes start- 27 days.
Can't come soon enough.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Searching for serenity.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
---------
I'm searching for the serenity to accept the things I've learned over the past 72 hours, the courage to change my behavior, and the wisdom to know when not to get involved.
Why is this so damn hard?
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
---------
I'm searching for the serenity to accept the things I've learned over the past 72 hours, the courage to change my behavior, and the wisdom to know when not to get involved.
Why is this so damn hard?
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Desiderata
Go placidly amidst the noise and haste
and remember what peace there may be in silence
As far as possible without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others;
even the dull and ignorant, for they too have their story
Avoid loud and aggressive persons for they are vexatious to the spirit
If you compare yourself with others you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble,
for it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time
Exercise caution in your business life for everywhere there is trickery
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism
Be yourself
Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings;
many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.
You have a right to be here
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be
And whatever your labors and aspirations, keep peace in your soul
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams it is still a beautiful world
Be cheerful
Strive to be happy.
-Max Ehrmann 1927
I was reminded through a friend's note on Facebook today that this was part of the speech I did not pay attention to given by a teacher I did not have at our 8th grade promotion ceremony. It is such a beautiful sentiment, and one that I wish I had heard every day of my life from the day I turned thirteen and my life spiraled out of control. This is something I plan on reading every time I think something isn't worth it.
I have a folded up copy of the Serenity Prayer in my wallet-it's actually a page out of my best friend's dad's memorial service program- and I'm surprised it hasn't fallen apart yet. Once I get my printer set up, I'll be printing this out and keeping it in my wallet with that page.
The Serenity Prayer...seems fitting for what happened yesterday.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
and remember what peace there may be in silence
As far as possible without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others;
even the dull and ignorant, for they too have their story
Avoid loud and aggressive persons for they are vexatious to the spirit
If you compare yourself with others you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your career, however humble,
for it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time
Exercise caution in your business life for everywhere there is trickery
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism
Be yourself
Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings;
many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.
You have a right to be here
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be
And whatever your labors and aspirations, keep peace in your soul
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams it is still a beautiful world
Be cheerful
Strive to be happy.
-Max Ehrmann 1927
I was reminded through a friend's note on Facebook today that this was part of the speech I did not pay attention to given by a teacher I did not have at our 8th grade promotion ceremony. It is such a beautiful sentiment, and one that I wish I had heard every day of my life from the day I turned thirteen and my life spiraled out of control. This is something I plan on reading every time I think something isn't worth it.
I have a folded up copy of the Serenity Prayer in my wallet-it's actually a page out of my best friend's dad's memorial service program- and I'm surprised it hasn't fallen apart yet. Once I get my printer set up, I'll be printing this out and keeping it in my wallet with that page.
The Serenity Prayer...seems fitting for what happened yesterday.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Countdown.
32 days til classes start
31 days til my birthday
28 days til I move to Flagstaff
8 days til the roadtrip with the BFF.
Saw Dark Knight yesterday...that's my choice for best movie of the year. Heath Ledger was absolutely brilliant as the Joker. There were definitely some things that they overdid, but overall, it was a great movie.
There was definitely some drama last night...but I don't know that I want to talk about it on here. Maybe later.
31 days til my birthday
28 days til I move to Flagstaff
8 days til the roadtrip with the BFF.
Saw Dark Knight yesterday...that's my choice for best movie of the year. Heath Ledger was absolutely brilliant as the Joker. There were definitely some things that they overdid, but overall, it was a great movie.
There was definitely some drama last night...but I don't know that I want to talk about it on here. Maybe later.
6
I don't appreciate being harrassed.
Please stop, whoever you are. I don't know you, and you don't know me.
Thank God.
Please stop, whoever you are. I don't know you, and you don't know me.
Thank God.
Saturday, July 19, 2008
5
Today, I wrote.
I wrote a few of those letters that you never send- to people that have been treating me terribly and to people I just want to rant at- and then deleted them off my computer.
I kept and revised one of those letters to a person who has treated me badly this week- and sent it. It might not make any difference, but it made me feel better, since he is ignoring me, and I needed to get some things out of my head and on to paper (well, email.)
And possibly the most important one: I wrote a letter to the man I think I'm falling in love with. Not to tell him that I'm falling in love with him; he already knows that. Instead, to tell him all the reasons why. It wasn't meant to be what it turned into...in fact, I don't even know what I meant it to be. I just knew I wanted to write him a letter. But then I started writing, and as often happens with me and my silly brain, I couldn't stop (reminds me of a lyric..."if I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to"). That's okay, though. I like how it turned out. It doesn't sound like a letter. It sounds like me. A physical thing to keep when I'm not with him...which is often.
12 days til BFF and I go on our roadtrip.
32 days til I move out of my house.
35 days til I turn 18.
36 days til I start college.
This summer is kicking so much ass.
I want to say that I'll be able to update this a lot more during school, but the harsh reality is that that is probably just not going to be possible. I just don't have a lot to say right now. Not a ton happening...But I know that college is going to give me a lot to ponder and a lot of new experiences, so I want to be sure I ponder them in a way that I can go back and look at them later. Maybe. We'll see...
I wrote a few of those letters that you never send- to people that have been treating me terribly and to people I just want to rant at- and then deleted them off my computer.
I kept and revised one of those letters to a person who has treated me badly this week- and sent it. It might not make any difference, but it made me feel better, since he is ignoring me, and I needed to get some things out of my head and on to paper (well, email.)
And possibly the most important one: I wrote a letter to the man I think I'm falling in love with. Not to tell him that I'm falling in love with him; he already knows that. Instead, to tell him all the reasons why. It wasn't meant to be what it turned into...in fact, I don't even know what I meant it to be. I just knew I wanted to write him a letter. But then I started writing, and as often happens with me and my silly brain, I couldn't stop (reminds me of a lyric..."if I get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to"). That's okay, though. I like how it turned out. It doesn't sound like a letter. It sounds like me. A physical thing to keep when I'm not with him...which is often.
12 days til BFF and I go on our roadtrip.
32 days til I move out of my house.
35 days til I turn 18.
36 days til I start college.
This summer is kicking so much ass.
I want to say that I'll be able to update this a lot more during school, but the harsh reality is that that is probably just not going to be possible. I just don't have a lot to say right now. Not a ton happening...But I know that college is going to give me a lot to ponder and a lot of new experiences, so I want to be sure I ponder them in a way that I can go back and look at them later. Maybe. We'll see...
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
I am worth more than how you treat me.
As much as I love my family, my little brother is one of the worst people I know. He is emotionally and verbally abusive and manipulative, and I see him turning into our biological father more and more every day. He treats me like dirt, and is the biggest reason I am so ready to move out. I have amazing friends, who mean just as much to me as my family does and sometimes more, and they have helped me realize that I am worth so much more than how I'm treated at home. At home, I am at best an inconvienience; at worst, a waste of space. They wonder why I choose to go out rather than stay in with them, and it's because, even though we can laugh together one moment, the next instant my brother is calling me a cunt and my mom is getting mad at me for it. I've never been close to my mom. I don't know why, we just aren't. Maybe it's the past ten years of her pushing me a little bit too hard, and I couldn't let her see me fail. The fact that I'm moving out is starting to repair our relationship, because neither of us want me to leave on bad terms. I just don't fit in with my family, and like I told my cousin's (then fiance, now) husband Paul at Thanksgiving, I sit there and sometimes it feels like I'm looking in at someone else's family. It doesn't feel like I belong with the family I was born into. Don't get me wrong, I know that in the grand scheme of family problems, I have it pretty damn good. I have three parents that love me and a great extended family...but my immediate family is pretty dysfunctional.
I need to experience life and love on my own.
I need to experience life and love on my own.
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