32

God. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to rent a van to move my stuff from Flagstaff to Tucson. It's only complicated because, well, you have to be 25 to rent a car. I'm not. And neither is Wesley. But I offered to pay for the van, because I can't drive it. This is just too fucking stressful. I hate that I have to worry about this when I should be worrying about finals and my research paper and recitals and juries. Yes, I want to move down there as soon as I can, but I absolutely HATE the logistics of it.

Friday Night Link Dump.

Edit: When you click on links, open them in a new window or tab.

This is one of the coolest things I've seen in a long time. A Dutch photographer stood on street corners in NYC for two weeks at a time and took pictures of the passers-by and then made composite images in Photoshop. It's mindblowing.

This one kinda pisses me off. I get horrible migraines, as do my brother, mom, and boyfriend. And my boyfriend has fibro pain almost daily. So, yes, pain happens. The fact that anyone would think I would lie about something like that just upsets me so much.

Over at Pandagon, there's a fantastic piece about the tradition of engagement rings. As I'm sure I've mentioned here, I'm a sucker for the sparkly, but at the same time, it seems slightly out of date for my future fiance to spend more money than we have on an engagement ring. I don't like the idea of being marked as someone's property if I don't get to mark him back. That's partly why we've talked about getting similar (maybe matching) tattoos. We're going to probably get some sort of something so that when we say "hey, we're engaged," we have something to show. As much as I wish it wasn't the case, people assume things if the guy didn't get you a ring. Whatever we do, it'll be something special and unique for us.

Finally, Friday video time. This pisses me off so, so much. zomg teh gaysss! (Also, the older gent teaches drama at my high school. DRAMA.) But here's the funny--the Funny or Die parody, A Gaythering Storm.

31

I found a new theme song, and goddammit, things are already going wrong.

Wilco's nothing'severgonnastandinmyway (again). But guess what? Something already has. I was sick yesterday, so I had to cancel my conference with my English professor. You know, the required one that counts as two absences if you don't show up? Yeah. She emailed me back and said that I could come at 1:10 today. I get there at 1:10, and she says "oh, you never replied to my email, so I gave that spot to someone else. Be in class tomorrow with 3-6 pages for peer review." (even though I saw her walking into the building this morning and made a point of checking to be sure of the time)
So now I have a few more pages to write, and no guidance or idea of where this is going. Fanfuckingtastic.

It just seems like I can't make things go my way anymore. I'm honestly not too worried about it, because none of these classes will affect my UofA gpa, but it is getting so fucking frustrating to have everything turn around on me at the very last possible moment. Whatever. Two weeks left in this dump, and then my life will turn around, and I will make things work.

This is one of the things that before, would have for sure given me an anxiety attack, but here we are. I'm working through it, letting go of things, and not thinking about it anymore. I can't change what just happened, so there isn't really any reason to stress over it.

Edit: I'm still pissed, though.

We did it for the laughs.

A new countdown.

9 days until the cello studio recital.
14 days until my last NAU orchestra concert
15 days until the chamber music recital and juries.
16 days until my last final.

I'm not sure when I'm actually leaving. Hopefully I'll be able to be in Tucson for Wesley's birthday, but who knows. I've been looking forward to leaving all semester, and now I can't believe it's actually happening. This year, I've figured out what I don't want to do with my life, but not what I want to. With help, I've gotten help for my problems. I've failed a class and redeemed my academic record. I've met the man I plan on spending the rest of my life with. It's been a mixed bag, but at this moment, I can say that I am happier than I've been in a long, long time.

30

I don't know why I keep thinking about this, but it's one of the only things keeping me going right now.

I just love thinking about what's going to happen in May or June. It's just going to be me and him (and maybe a kitten. Haven't decided yet) in our own place. We keep saying we want to start our life together and once we get the apartment, it'll actually be happening. I love the thought of having our own place and being able to fall asleep in his arms and wake up next to him every single day. I have this thought of him meeting me after class and going home together, him making dinner, and sitting on the couch and watching baseball. And then, of course, there's the awesome sex. ;) But seriously. I can't wait to live with him. I love him, more than anything, and I think we're meant to be together.

And yes, baby, I do want a cat. We can't name it Chairman Meow, though. Sorry.

29

My cousin will have been married for a year in May. A week or so ago, she messaged me on Facebook with a warning about how hard marriage is and how I shouldn't rush into anything.
I've been thinking about that a lot lately. How hard would be, really, for me to marry him? Would it really be the hardest thing we've ever done? Yeah, obviously, it wouldn't be easy. We're both young, and I don't feel like I'm ready to get married just yet. I really think that if we could make it through the next couple years, with the recession and being in school and all of that, I think we could make it through pretty much anything.
And here's the thing. I want to marry him. I want to establish a career for myself, for him to establish his own; I especially want to be happy and financially stable and secure. Once that happens, I want to have kids with him, I want to raise our kids and I want to spend the rest of our lives together and grow old together. I see these little old couples, as happy together as when they first met, and I can only hope that we end up that way.

I've been on the new meds for four days now. I don't know if it's just a placebo effect type thing, but I really do feel better already, and that gives me a lot of hope. The downside? I have all of the side effects. No bueno.

28

Today sucked...well, the last part of it did, anyway.

Went to symphony and got a migraine. Migraine caused me to lose my vision in my left eye. Losing vision in my left eye caused a small panic attack, because I couldn't leave. Went to go get my anxiety medication so I'd be okay for my quartet rehearsal, but there was a fucking fire drill in my building, so I couldn't.

Being fucked up in the head is tiring.

27

I officially have an entire drugstore in my dorm room.