I am Jack's complete lack of surprise

Man. I love Fight Club.

12

If anything ever assured me I was making the right choice, the last hour did.

Yes, I love playing cello. Yes, at some point, I'll probably miss it. But I need to do it because I want to, not because I have to, and at some point, I'll probably go back to it.

Because right now, I hate it, don't have any motivation, and just really want to take a break. But I can't.

Seriously?

What kind of girl do you take me for?

No, I will not cheat on my boyfriend just so I can "see what [I've] been missing" since we broke up.





Fuck. You. Whore.

Pardon me if I decide I suddenly don't feel like talking to you.
"All a real man needs is his tongue and the alphabet"? "Maybe I could show you sometime?"?!?!

A real man needs to know how to treat his girl, make her feel safe, tell her what he feels and satisfy her every need.
I'm with a real man.

You've still got a lot to learn. Go fuck yourself.

The Road

The first novel we're reading this semester in my English class is Cormac McCarthy's The Road.



It is honestly the most terrifying thing I have ever read, and I'm only 100 pages in.

11

A guy in my music theory class asked me out last week. He's known me since the beginning of last semester (we had the worst class ever together) and has known me since I've been attached at the hip. I realized yesterday that anytime I think about Wesley, I automatically smile. And since I miss him a lot and think about him all the time, I suppose I'm smiling all the time.

Maybe it is true. Maybe people in relationships are more attractive because they're happier.

"Stop frowning, because you never know who could be falling in love with your smile."

Tuesday Random 10.

It snowed all day yesterday. It wasn't particularly cold, just really, really windy. I guess it was about 2 inches? And, as a plus, I only fell down once. (Ice under snow, fell right on my ass) The mountains almost glow the day after it snows...bright white against a pure blue sky. Absolutely beautiful.

I don't know that I'll actually miss Flagstaff; I'm pretty sure I'll be tired of the snow by May. But right now, I love love love it.

I kinda still like orchestra (even though that's getting on my nerves, big time), and I absolutely love music theory. Piano is...eh, and I just think sight-singing is a waste of my time. Lessons, on the other hand, I HATE. I realized today that I would be just fine not playing any solo rep for awhile. I think that's a problem and the biggest reason I'm switching? changing? exploring other options. Yeah.

My knees don't handle cold weather very well. As much as I'd like to live somewhere other than the desert...I don't think my body would handle it very well. New York, Chicago, Boston, Minneapolis, San Fransisco, Portland, Seattle, London, and Dublin are all on my list of places I'd love to live. Notice the theme? All have heavy precipitation and not warm weather.

I think I'd do better in large metro area than I would in a place like Flagstaff. I go stir-crazy too easily.

Watching some Arthurian movie with the roommate for her English class. I. Hate. Epics.

As much as I hate stereotypical gender roles and portrayals, I can't help but honestly get distracted by sparkly things. Like large diamonds. Like this one. Oh, I would melt if someone gave me that ring. Or any ring. Honestly, I don't want a huge diamond. I'd rather have a small ring or an antique ring or a necklace or anything that meant something to me and the man proposing to me. Hell. Wesley and I have talked about getting matching tattoos. That'd be meaningful.

I love Rachel Maddow.

I can't wait for February 11th (Demetri Martin ftw!).

I wish I didn't have to wait for May to roll around.

New Year's Resolutions...or something.

I suppose I'm about a month behind...but I need to get these somewhere. I'm not really one for resolutions, but I know there're things that I need to change. (Plus, an update on my October resolutions, woo!)

First, updates.
Stop procrastinating? Hasn't happened. Right now, I'm putting off a paper.
Practice every day. It got better, but I haven't had a lesson yet this semester.
Read or write for enjoyment at least three times a week- I whittled that down to once a week, because I have no time. I did read 3 books over break, though. Go me!
Be a kinder person...I think I'm doing well on that one. You'd have to tell me, though.
Talk to my mom more often. Hah.
Go to InterVarsity every week? Nope. Honestly, I don't know that I'm Christian. Spiritual, yes. Christian, not really. I'm not a fan of organized religion. I don't think I ever will be.

Aaaaand resolutions!

STOP PROCRASTINATING. Obviously, I still have problems with that. I probably always will. But I really, really, really need to get over it. I can't keep leaving papers until the week of, day before, day that they're due. It kills my grades and my self-esteem and ARGH.

Take care of my appearance. A few days ago, Wesley told me that I can be "plain and unassuming at times, but sometimes, you're downright gorgeous." I honestly did not know how to respond to that. I really don't think that I'm all that good looking, but he's been amazing telling me how beautiful he thinks I am. I guess sometimes I just decide it isn't worth the effort to do my makeup, find cute clothes, and blah blah blah. I really do want to make myself look more presentable, but I've had a freakin horrible time finding cute clothes that fit and look good. I'm hoping he can help me out with that one...I know he thinks my body's amazing and he wishes I'd show it off more, but I'm really really not comfortable enough with myself to do that.

Move to Tucson. I'm so ready to get out of here. I am lonely here, I can count the number of friends I have on one hand, and I'm not doing music after this semester, so there's no reason for me to stay here. But before I do that, I need to...

Pass all my classes. Simple enough.

Find a job and keep it all semester. If I plan on moving to Tucson and going to UofA, I will not have any help from my parents. I need to find a job (yesterday), keep it for the entire semester, and save most of the money I make at said job so that I can afford to live and go to school somewhere else.

Better Together

I had no idea one person could make me this happy.

We're both insanely weird, we both have shit in our pasts, but somehow, we are absolutely perfect together. He loves me for who I am, even though who I am isn't always great. It amazes me how someone with their own fairly large problems can take my shit and carry it better than I can.

My heart melts every time he kisses me, every time he calls me gorgeous, sexy, beautiful, every time time I get to see him after too long apart, every time he smiles at me, every time he hugs me or holds me or even touches me. Everything he does makes me fall a little bit more in love with him. I used to wonder how I fell in love with him so fast, but I realize now that it doesn't matter how or why I fell for him so hard, because I have been happier with him in the past 5 months than I can ever remember being before in my life. Yes, the distance sucks, but I really, truly believe that it makes our relationship that much stronger.

He is my best friend, my soulmate, and the only man I want in my life.

So here's to you, baby. I can't believe we've made it this far, and I think we'll be together forever. I love you. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Oooohhhhoohhhhohhooohhooohhooohoooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music, feel the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Buckle up. (Part I)

This is going to be quite the trip.


Let's start with school. I don't like it. I don't like NAU. The campus is okay, but the school itself is a bit too small for me. I despise living in the dorms and the repetition of the Union's food choices.

I can honestly count the number of close friends I have here on one hand, and that's not okay with me. Sure, I have plenty of casual friends, girls I'd feel comfortable going out and partying with, but that's not who I am or what I need. I need real relationships, people I can trust, and feel comfortable sharing anything with because I know I'll get good advice and not be judged. Yes, I have a hard time trusting people, and I tend to push some good people away, but I need the people that are willing to break through that. I just don't have that here.

Music...oh, where to begin? It was my passion. Playing cello kept my soul alive. Being in orchestra and choir connected me with the people I cared about most in high school and then kept me connnected with them. But there's the thing. People. I was discussing it with Robin, and I really think that that is the reason I loved orchestra so much. It was another family. Being a music major isn't about being in orchestra. It's about being with yourself and your instrument for too many hours a week, improving so that you can compete with the people that you were there to have fun with. I'm not okay with that. It was my passion, something that I did because I wanted to, because I could...and then it became something that I had to do, and now I resent it. I need a break from cello. I really think that I'm meant to help people, and I don't see how I can do that sitting by myself and practicing constantly. I loved that I didn't take my cello out of it's case the entire break. I gave myself a break, and I'm hoping that it helps me get through this last semester before I leave cello behind for as long as I need to. I have no doubt that I'll come back to it eventually-my life would be completely empty without music in it-but I don't know when that will be. So, yes, I'll probably miss playing in orchestra, but I won't miss spending more time in the practice room than I do with people I care about, worrying about what chair I am, arranging my schedule around orchestra rehearsals, turning down plans because I have to practice/rehearse/play a concert, or having my back hurt constantly. I plan on teaching myself how to play guitar (something I've always wanted to do, but never had the time for) and maybe writing my own songs.

9

I've started this post about 7 times but can't collect my thoughts enough to finish it.





Well, balls.


Edit: Half of the aforementioned post is now up.

Update

I am "highly admissible" to the University of Arizona.
Guess where I'll be in the fall? Yay Tucson.

Actually, currently in Tucson, so more later.

Auld Lang Syne

Well, it's officially 2009...has been for five minutes. I just realized I haven't updated since...oh, forever ago, so I figured I'd do one now.

Stayed home. Did nothing. Had a virtual kiss from my boyfriend. Stupid not being able to see each other.

Some resolutions, then, I suppose?
Pass all my classes
Figure out where I'm going to school in the fall
Get a job
Keep losing weight

Trying to keep it simple, yeah? It hasn't been a bad year, but it hasn't been a fantastic one, either. I did meet my soulmate. :)