I'm just a fucked up girl looking for a little peace of mind.

Wow. I was so right. This weekend was worth the wait and more. He is the perfect person for me, and I am so lucky to have found someone like him. He makes no excuses for himself, and won't let me try to make excuses for my shit. He loves me for who I am. He wants me for my body and my mind. I've found guys who want one or the other, but he truly appreciates both. He has all this crap that he's been through, but all he seems concerned with is helping me with my problems...and I don't understand how one person's heart can be that big.

I love just being with him. I miss the feeling of his hand in mine, and it's going to be hard to fall asleep tonight without him here holding me (even though, let's face it, two tall people in a twin sized dorm bed sucks, a lot...). Bleh. He's the one person I feel truly comfortable with, and he's 400 freakin miles away.

Friday, I picked him up from the Greyhound station and skipped rehearsal to hang out with him. We didn't do anything other than lay in the grass and just talk. On Saturday, we decided to walk around downtown (I wanted to go exploring!) and got some really good food, and did too much walking in sandals. Sunday, we went out for breakfast and then (I) decided I wanted to get a movie to watch, so we did some more walking and got Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (somehow, I haven't seen it, but it's on his top 5, and now it's in mine, too.) I am Clementine, in so many ways. All the in between times were just spent sitting somewhere and talking...and even though he's ADD and can't sit still for more than 15 minutes at a time, it was still amazing. That's what I'll miss the most. I showed him my two places I go to write or just think, and now that someone has shared them with me, they aren't the same. Now they're us. And damn, do I like the sound of that. I really do think I'm falling in love with him. We walked back downtown on Saturday night for dinner, it poured, we almost jinxed the penultimate Diamondbacks game of the season, it poured some more, we walked some more...it didn't even matter that it was probbaly 40 degrees and raining outside...all that mattered, at that moment, and all weekend, was that we were together.

I took him to the Greyhound station this morning, and I missed him before he got on that bus. It was bizarre, walking those same paths through campus that (literally) just hours before I had been walking with him...I've just never felt like this with anyone else.

I'm thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss, they're perfectly aligned.

This weekend is going to be amazing. I can't wait.

Pain

I've been waking up with cramps in my legs lately. Two days ago, I woke up to one so bad behind my right knee that I was in tears. It still hurts. And not just a "oh, my leg hurts" pain...a "holy shit I can't put any weight on my right leg" pain. So much for yoga class. I should really go to InterVarsity tonight, but I don't know if I'll be able to make it up there. I'm wondering if I really messed up my one good knee. This seriously sucks.

Aside from the continous physical pain, which is nothing new, I'm in a little bit of emotional pain (isn't really anything new, either...). I miss knowing that everything is going to work itself out...and I miss the assurance of having a boyfriend, knowing that there's someone there to listen to me if I just need to talk and is always on my side...but The Boy was a bad boyfriend. Tall and Mysterious is going to make a great one, if it works out. But somehow, I keep picking guys that are on the opposite side of the state from me...but he's making an actual attempt to come visit me.

Sight-singing and dictation is hurting my brain.

Arguments with friends are hurting my soul.

Rearranging dorm rooms hurts my toe (I dropped something on it.)

Sitting in symphony rehearsals hurts my back.

Practicing for hours at a time hurts my fingers.

Remembering the death of a loved one hurts my heart.

fever dream

I have no idea what happened. This was supposed to be perfect, but you say I'm "bringing you down" and you want to move out. I wish you would have told me sooner. I would never say anything to hurt you. Not on purpose. I understand that this has been hard for you, but it hasn't been a cakewalk for me, either. I'm just better at hiding my emotions. I guess it's just hard for me when you talk about The Perfect Boy, and I'm still looking for him...and I like to think I've found him, and then you point out his shortcomings. I don't know what I'm doing here, and I don't know why I'm wasting my time. I know you miss your family, and can't figure out why I don't...but I do, more than I thought I would. And more than that, I miss my friends. You and A have changed since we moved...maybe you haven't changed, but I'm realizing that I can't be around the two of you all the time. And I miss the friends in the Valley that were my family. Some days, I feel like I've made a huge mistake moving up here...I don't want us to not be friends after this, but I don't think I can spend all my time with you anymore, otherwise we really will sabotage our friendship by the end.