I've realized that I don't take anything seriously enough. Mostly with school, and especially with my music classes. I have this bad habit of ignoring things that are easy, and panicking when I realize my grade is low. It's happening right now in Sightsinging and Dictation, and it will happen in my English class. It's already happened in piano. I just want to take classes that interest me. Sightsinging? Not so much. Class piano? Definitely not. English? Sorta, but not the stuff we're covering.
I'm thinking about changing my major. Not just thinking, definitely seriously considering. I don't think performance will get me anywhere, and I don't think I'll be able to cut it...especially considering the history of this studio. My professor hasn't graduated a performance major from her studio in at least five years, and she can't even prepare people to pass their upper-division juries (sorry. music speak.). I want to do a music degree, but not performance and definitely not education. I need to check on if my scholarship is affected by me being a BA student instead of a BMPerf, and what the requirements are.
I know I won't make it in performance. There aren't enough jobs, and I'm not good enough. I don't want to teach. I'm really thinking about finishing my music degree (I'm paying for it, I'm going to do something I want to do...) and then going to med school. I've always wanted to do something in psychology or psychiatry, but I'm not positive what. Maybe I'll find some other medical field that I love and...yeah. Something needs to change. I can't perform my entire life, and I want to help people. I'm meant to do some good in this world, I can feel it.
A few side notes:
There's a full on politics/election post in the works. Hang tight.
I may be moving this blog over to WordPress.
I am completely and totally in love.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Don't waste your time on me, you're already a voice inside my head.
I don't know what it was about today.
I slept through piano, even though I intended to go. Went to Starbucks instead. Read and drank coffee for awhile. Went to choir. The concert on Sunday is seriously going to suck. Went to sightsinging. That class always sucks, but it was particularly bad today. Grabbed a quick lunch. Went to my lesson, which was actually pretty good. Came back to my room, talked to the boyfriend. Up until about 3 pm, my day was just ok. It could have been better, but it also could have been worse. And then I had to go to symphony. Orchestra has been frustrating...fun, but frustrating. WE CAN'T BE CHANGING SHIT TWO DAYS BEFORE A CONCERT. Argh. And it didn't help that it was hot on stage, and my back hurt, and I just did not want to be there. I don't know. I'm ready to play new music, even if it is music for Opera Scenes. So that sucked. After symphony, I came back to my room, and just cried for about an hour. I told everyone that I was taking a nap, but no. Definitely just crying. I miss the boy, I'm frustrated with school, I'm slightly homesick, and I feel like no one up here really cares. I miss my friends (the real family) who are currently scattered across the country. I hurt, emotionally and physically.
Wow. Just looked at my mirror. I look like I haven't slept in weeks. ::sigh::
I slept through piano, even though I intended to go. Went to Starbucks instead. Read and drank coffee for awhile. Went to choir. The concert on Sunday is seriously going to suck. Went to sightsinging. That class always sucks, but it was particularly bad today. Grabbed a quick lunch. Went to my lesson, which was actually pretty good. Came back to my room, talked to the boyfriend. Up until about 3 pm, my day was just ok. It could have been better, but it also could have been worse. And then I had to go to symphony. Orchestra has been frustrating...fun, but frustrating. WE CAN'T BE CHANGING SHIT TWO DAYS BEFORE A CONCERT. Argh. And it didn't help that it was hot on stage, and my back hurt, and I just did not want to be there. I don't know. I'm ready to play new music, even if it is music for Opera Scenes. So that sucked. After symphony, I came back to my room, and just cried for about an hour. I told everyone that I was taking a nap, but no. Definitely just crying. I miss the boy, I'm frustrated with school, I'm slightly homesick, and I feel like no one up here really cares. I miss my friends (the real family) who are currently scattered across the country. I hurt, emotionally and physically.
Wow. Just looked at my mirror. I look like I haven't slept in weeks. ::sigh::
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Friday, October 3, 2008
I still owe you for the hole in the floor...
I suck at keeping New Year's resolutions, so I've made myself some beginning of October resolutions.
Stop procrastinating.
I am such a procrastinator. I really thought it would get better. I told myself it would get better. I got organized. I stayed organized, for once. For a few weeks, I stopped procrastinating, and actually did things the day they were assigned...and now I'm back to leaving papers til the day they're due. I'm frustrated with myself. I know it needs to change, because I'm busier than ever and every hour of my day is as packed as I can make it, but I lose steam after a few weeks...although, a few weeks is better than a few days, which is how I used to be. But it isn't just with school work. Cleaning, laundry, practicing, everything. I put everything off.
Practice every day.
I've gotten into a bad habit of going to my lesson on Wednesday and not practicing until Monday, and then freaking out because I'm so unprepared. I'm not as much of a musician as I could be because of this habit, and I want to progress more than I have in the past five weeks.
Read or write for enjoyment at least three times a week.
I miss reading and writing for myself. I don't think I've read anything because I wanted to since I moved up here, and I know that other than a couple short entries here, I haven't written anything. It's weird. I used to read constantly, and write almost as much. It was very therapeutic, and right now I do need that.
Be a kinder person.
This one's tough. After the whole roommate fiasco, I thought it was all her. But then I thought about it and realized that this sarcastic shell I put up to protect myself does nothing but hurt the people around me, even when I don't realize it. Obviously, the last thing I want to do is upset the people I care about, but that's what I often inevitably do. J has been an amazing force in my life in the past year, but in the past six weeks, especially, making me think of things from other people's point of view, helping me live in the moment, and be more calm about everything. He and the boyfriend are chipping that shell apart, one piece at a time, and re-exposing me to the world that I tried to shut myself out of for so long.
Talk to my mom more often.
We were never close when I was growing up, and now that I've moved out and we aren't arguing all the time, we have a better relationship, but I know I don't talk to her enough. My bad.
Be a healthier person.
This goes with all aspects of my life, not just physical health. I need to lose weight, not just because I want to look better, but because I don't like being out of breath when I walk up the stairs (although, being thinner is a plus). It's mental health--I need to come to terms with things that happened in my past, even if that means bringing back memories I don't want to relive ever again.
Go to InterVarsity every week.
I guess this kinda fits the health thing- my spiritual health. J is trying to get me involved with my faith again...after I turned 13, I completely lost all sense of direction, and even if Christianity isn't where I end up, I need to start somewhere, because right now, I don't believe anything, and it's killing me.
Remember why I chose this path for myself.
Last night, I took a 20 minute break to prepare my brain for Bach, and TubaMan was taking his own 20 minute decompression break, playing Postal Service and Something Corporate on the piano in the room across from me. I went in there to ask him a serious question, and it turned into us just talking for 20 minutes. Pretty awesome. One of the things he told me, though, was that at Fall Kickoff, one of the speakers talked about how before college, the reason people go into music is all passion. By college, you're completely focused on technique, and a lot of people forget the passion and that initial love for the music they're making. I still love it. I still love playing my instrument. I'm not to the point where I can completely stop thinking about my technique and just play; I won't be for a very long time. But I can play something and take a moment to remember why I do it--because I love it.
Stop procrastinating.
I am such a procrastinator. I really thought it would get better. I told myself it would get better. I got organized. I stayed organized, for once. For a few weeks, I stopped procrastinating, and actually did things the day they were assigned...and now I'm back to leaving papers til the day they're due. I'm frustrated with myself. I know it needs to change, because I'm busier than ever and every hour of my day is as packed as I can make it, but I lose steam after a few weeks...although, a few weeks is better than a few days, which is how I used to be. But it isn't just with school work. Cleaning, laundry, practicing, everything. I put everything off.
Practice every day.
I've gotten into a bad habit of going to my lesson on Wednesday and not practicing until Monday, and then freaking out because I'm so unprepared. I'm not as much of a musician as I could be because of this habit, and I want to progress more than I have in the past five weeks.
Read or write for enjoyment at least three times a week.
I miss reading and writing for myself. I don't think I've read anything because I wanted to since I moved up here, and I know that other than a couple short entries here, I haven't written anything. It's weird. I used to read constantly, and write almost as much. It was very therapeutic, and right now I do need that.
Be a kinder person.
This one's tough. After the whole roommate fiasco, I thought it was all her. But then I thought about it and realized that this sarcastic shell I put up to protect myself does nothing but hurt the people around me, even when I don't realize it. Obviously, the last thing I want to do is upset the people I care about, but that's what I often inevitably do. J has been an amazing force in my life in the past year, but in the past six weeks, especially, making me think of things from other people's point of view, helping me live in the moment, and be more calm about everything. He and the boyfriend are chipping that shell apart, one piece at a time, and re-exposing me to the world that I tried to shut myself out of for so long.
Talk to my mom more often.
We were never close when I was growing up, and now that I've moved out and we aren't arguing all the time, we have a better relationship, but I know I don't talk to her enough. My bad.
Be a healthier person.
This goes with all aspects of my life, not just physical health. I need to lose weight, not just because I want to look better, but because I don't like being out of breath when I walk up the stairs (although, being thinner is a plus). It's mental health--I need to come to terms with things that happened in my past, even if that means bringing back memories I don't want to relive ever again.
Go to InterVarsity every week.
I guess this kinda fits the health thing- my spiritual health. J is trying to get me involved with my faith again...after I turned 13, I completely lost all sense of direction, and even if Christianity isn't where I end up, I need to start somewhere, because right now, I don't believe anything, and it's killing me.
Remember why I chose this path for myself.
Last night, I took a 20 minute break to prepare my brain for Bach, and TubaMan was taking his own 20 minute decompression break, playing Postal Service and Something Corporate on the piano in the room across from me. I went in there to ask him a serious question, and it turned into us just talking for 20 minutes. Pretty awesome. One of the things he told me, though, was that at Fall Kickoff, one of the speakers talked about how before college, the reason people go into music is all passion. By college, you're completely focused on technique, and a lot of people forget the passion and that initial love for the music they're making. I still love it. I still love playing my instrument. I'm not to the point where I can completely stop thinking about my technique and just play; I won't be for a very long time. But I can play something and take a moment to remember why I do it--because I love it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)