26

I have honestly run out of motivation. The only class I want to be in at this point is theory, but I can't do that. I just don't care about anything anymore. Yes, I fucked up and didn't write a paper for my English class. Yes, I fucked up again and didn't do it when she gave me the chance to make it up. I would've gotten a shitty grade anyway, so why can't you just let me finish my last few weeks here and do the work coming up instead of trying to re-read the first novel of the semester and write a decent paper that I won't get more than a C on because it's too late? I've resigned myself to failing this class, and I honestly don't care. None of the classes here will apply to my gpa at UA, so just let me be. Please. Hell, for all you know, next semester I'll be on the Dean's List.

I finally bit the bullet and set up appointments at student health for counseling and to see if I can get meds. I should have done it so much earlier. I thought I could fix this myself, but instead, I've probably managed to damage the best thing in my life right now. He can't be my therapist. I know that, but my pride and my anxiety got in the way and I couldn't bring myself to call the people who could actually help. Hopefully this will be what I need.

But in the meantime..."hold your own, know your name, go your own way. all the details in the fabric, all the things that make you panic, all your thoughts a result of static swing. everything will be fine."

You should know...

I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else, and I honestly don't have any idea what I would do if I lost you.

Please, take care of yourself.

This is the sound of settling.

The best literature deserves more than one glance. It isn't often that one can pick every nuance, meaning, or theme out from one reading. Reading a book that I read in high school and remembering parts, but also realizing the blatant points that I missed, or the ones that weren't really relevant to me then but are now...that's an odd, but great, feeling. I need to reread a lot of things, by that standard.

I've changed so much in the past year. About a year ago, I was calling up my orchestra teacher far too early for a Sunday to find out the results of my all-state audition, tearing up before I found out, and then doing a combo celebrate/cry/happy dance around my house knowing that I actually accomplished the one thing I wanted before I graduated. I still can't believe that I had that experience, and all the other things I've done, but I wonder what me from a year ago would say if she knew how it ended. I certainly didn't think it was going to go down the way it did.

Weather in Flagstaff is the most random thing ever. All last week, it was crazy cold and windy and weird, and then yesterday was gorgeous, and today, we're back to WIND. LOTS AND LOTS OF WIND.

I procrastinate. It's a fact of life. Sometimes I wonder if my procrastination is not being able to focus on something long enough to get it done. I get distracted. Maybe I should start writing down due dates a day or two early, so that I get it done. Or maybe I should just stop procrastinating, and do things when I'm supposed to.

I still think Flagstaff is a beautiful place, but I'm realizing more and more that living in a beautiful small town isn't good enough for me. I need the city, I need the feeling that if I couldn't sleep, I could go out and do something. I want...I don't know what I want. I want to not be stuck on campus all the time.

My brain is not conducive to studying, reading, or writing as something I need to do. I have to empty it of thought; turn on some music to give myself a background to make that unruly, unconcentrated part of my brain something to focus on so that the part I want to use can go to work. I get these thoughts that flit around my head, and it's like they won't go away unless I turn my head to the side and smack it until they float out my ear...or write them down. That works too.

I saw the police chase a kid down the pedway from my dorm window earlier. That was weird.

Random ramblings.

Talked to my mom today about the possibility of going back into counseling, and back on medication. I'm suffering the effects of this daily, without warning and without reason. Mom doesn't believe me about the anxiety attacks, though, just like before. I don't know how to tell her that I know what I'm experiencing, and if it isn't an anxiety attack, I don't know what it is, because I feel like I'm drowning in it. She and her neurologist think that the depression, the migraines, the connective tissue problems, the pain, and the rest of it are just symptoms of something greater; some problem in the inner workings of our brains that no one can quite figure out. I'm afraid to mention my constant physical pain and fatigue in fear that it'll just be lumped in with this greater evil, when I'm not sure that it's part of it. I wish they would (or could) treat all of my problems separately, with the intention of making all of them better, instead of as one lump sum. Whatever this is seems to be hereditary, and passed through the mother, but also recessive. My grandma doesn't have any symptoms, but three of her four daughters do, and of the six grandchildren, only two (my brother and I) got it. And one of us got it full force. It worries me for when I decide to have kids...Is that really a good decision, to bring my own children into the world when I know firsthand what I've gone through and what they may or may not have to deal with? It certainly wouldn't be fair. But that thought just scares the crap out of me.

The College of Arts and Letters here is completely incompetent. You CANNOT LOSE PAPERWORK. Apparently, I'm still a performance major, because they lost my forms to change my major. Joy.

Even with the crap that has been NAU's honors program and the English requirements, there was a small bright spot today. Checking out UA's English req's, and if you scored a 4 or 5 on the AP English test (which I did, twice), you are required to take one semester of English instead of the two semesters that everyone else takes. Thank the Lord, because I don't think I could have gone through another two semester English plan to fulfill a freshman requirement. I miss the way I used to be able to write. It wasn't because I had to, and even when I did, I made the most of it. I had a voice in my work that was unmistakable. Back then (back then? who am I kidding? A few years ago, maybe), my writing was much more organic. It was my mind on the page. I have spent so much time lately trying to adhere to different preferred writing styles that it has completely lost the voice, and therefore the pull. I hate not writing for myself. English is too subjective to grade (and there's why I could never be an English teacher.)

Spring Break was mostly uneventful. Went to Tucson for a few days, Wesley came up to the Valley with me, we saw Rent at ASU Gammage, and then I came back to Flag and he went back to Tucson. I'm really looking forward to May. I want to move out of my parents' house for good, and I can't wait for the grand adventure that will be living together. The weekend we spent in Gilbert was odd...my parents wanted to get to know him, but won't give me a straight answer on whether or not they like him. It honestly does not matter to me if they like him or not, but I would like a straight answer for once. Their opinion will not alter how I feel about him, but it would be nice to have my parents like the man I'm planning on marrying. I know what I think. I love him, with all my heart and soul. He is my everything. My best friend. I cannot imagine life without him by my side, and I honestly don't want to.

25

Everything seems much more real now.

I finally got my UofA application in.
I called my high school to request my transcripts.
I turned in a transcript request to NAU.
I'm going to Tucson tomorrow to look at an apartment and try to find a job.
The only reason I'm hopeful about the job thing is that I'm looking nine weeks in advance for something extremely long-term--the foreseeable future, in fact. I'm willing to commit to whomever wants to hire me for however long they need me. I plan on being there for a hell of a long time (except for a weekend in July for my cousin's wedding). I don't have much experience, but I learn quickly, and I retain information like nobody's business.

The only thing I'm having problems with is the one class I took at MCC...what, two years ago? I can't figure out how to get the freaking transcript, because their online thingy doesn't work, which means I have to either go there or find access to a fax machine. Who the hell has a fax machine anymore?

RAWR

(it means 'i love you' in dinosaur)

I'm updating from the 24 hour computer lab in my dorm. My laptop decided to pull an epic fail, and I'm about to pull an Office Space.