Busy busy busy

I just realized it's been like 3 months since I updated this.

We're engaged. I have a lovely ring, and we're in the process of getting our own place. :)

I got my lip pierced--totally spur of the moment, but I love it.

My first semester at UA is OVER...and it didn't turn out so bad, but I'm so ready for the next one to start.

I found a job that I actually kinda like, and pays...not too terribly.

It's two days after Christmas, and I'm officially done with all the Christmas song and dance.

I received the complete works of William Shakespeare, gift cards to Chipotle, Subway, and the UA bookstore, some really pretty jewelry (including a bracelet that my stepdad had made for me), the Planet Earth dvds, a textbook that I need for next semester for FREE from a friend, and over 300 dollars cash.

More later. Gotta kill some zombies with the bro.

One year.

I cannot believe how lucky I am to be engaged to a wonderful, amazing man that I've been dating for a year today.

I love you, Wesley.

Fuck you, NAU.

I just met with the School of Music advisor. A music minor is 20 credits, with 9 of them as upper division units. I have 19, with 6 upper div units. Sooooo, I need 1 credit to finish, but 3 upper division. Which means that after this semester, I have enough credits (20) for the minor, but I have to take classes for at least another year to get my upper div credits.

I think I'll be going through theory five. Awesome.

Problems with the UA

There is a very blatant lack of outlets, especially in the lounges in the Student Union Memorial Center

Almost everyone has a laptop. The lounge I ate my lunch in had ONE outlet. Not cool, UA, not cool.

I Love Al Franken

Random thought.

One thing that really, really pisses me off.

The birth control pill does not kill embryos. It stops a woman from ovulating so that the sperm has no chance of meeting an egg to form an embryo.

I'm going to kick the next person I meet that says birth control pills kill babies.

Third Post of the Day.

Say whaaaa?

I got my new charger, finally.

I was perusing threadless (paycheck, YES) and can only afford one for Wes and one for myself, but I can't decide on the one for myself. This is the shirt I'm buying for Wes (because he's so fucking humble all the time). Mine, I'm choosing from one, two, three, and four. I can't decide. Faithful readers (who the hell am I kidding? I'm the only one that reads this damn thing), which one? I will probably buy them all eventually, and right now, I'm leaning toward three and four.

Speaking of money, my job ended last week, and I'm officially on my last paycheck. Anyone have ideas on jobs in Tucson? Any? Please?

Tucson. I love you. I love monsoons. I love watching Adult Swim on Saturday nights (PJs, Boondocks, and anime. Fucking YES), even when the person who made me start watching it isn't around to share.

Excitement! Wesley decided he wants to have an actual wedding. Well. Not wants, per se, but can see that I don't really want to get married in the courthouse and will compromise with me for my sanity and his. YAY. Now my researching and obsessing and dreaming will not have gone to waste. I'll be marrying my best friend, and that is the way it's supposed to be. :-)

Because everyone needs a random meme

My username is bright eyed cello girl...because when I made this blog, I was feeling completely optimistic, and totally in love with the music I was making.

My title is land locked blues. It used to be northern lights, and then I moved from flagstaff to tucson and needed something different, because I now live in the southernmost metro area of Arizona. Now, I'm hundreds of miles away from any ocean or body of water. Also, it's a Bright Eyes song, and it reminds me of better times (kinda)

My subtitle is trying to find my own little slice of happiness in the desert. And I have.

My default user pic is not here. I thought I had one, but apparently not.

So, that was pretty lame. Mostly because I stole it from someone's lj, and I don't have an lj. But yeah. Today got much, much better. A few hours after I posted that last one, the boy called me to let me know he had been transferred and I could see him...in person. Not video. So today, I got to hug him, kiss him, and hold his hand. For an entire hour. And I get to do the same thing on our anniversary (one year, holy bejeezus). And then I get him back for good on the 23rd. I really do love him.

How I feel today.

I am depressed. I miss my boy. I feel guilty as fuck for flirting with boys who don't know me (or him). I'm proud of myself for deciding I'm not hiding anymore. I'm tired. I'm sick of drunks and the male portion of the human race. I can't wait to see Wesley again.

I'm lonely.

Afterbirthers Demand To See Obama's Placenta

WASHINGTON–In the continuing controversy surrounding the president's U.S. citizenship, a new fringe group informally known as "Afterbirthers" demanded Monday the authentication of Barack Obama's placenta from his time inside his mother's womb. "All we are asking is that the president produce a sample of his fetal membranes and vessels—preferably along with a photo of the crowning and delivery—and this will all be over," said former presidential candidate and Afterbirthers spokesman Alan Keyes, later adding that his organization would be willing to settle for a half-liter of maternal cord plasma. "To this day, the American people have not seen a cervical mucus plug, let alone one that has been signed and notarized by a state-certified Hawaiian health official. If the president was indeed born in the manner in which he claims, then where is his gestation sac?" Keyes said that if Obama did not soon produce at least a bloody bedsheet from his conception, Afterbirthers would push forward with efforts to exhume the president's deceased mother and inspect the corpse's pelvic bone and birth canal.

This. This is why I love the Onion, and why I wish I was a better writer. Satire could be the way to go for me. It's the way I talk, and I can't figure out when I lost the link between my brain and fingers.

One week down...

Trad 104...meh. I was really hoping for better. I'll stay in it, because it'll be a crazy easy A.

Indv 102...I'm more excited for this class than I was before. Our discussion TA is awesome, but the section itself is full of California valley girls who are idiots. (Questions heard today, no joke, included "do we really only get the weekend" "do we need to read" and "do we need to go to lecture")

Ling 178 isn't getting any better. Thankfully, I have two people in that class who know what's going on...unlike me.

Phys 102 isn't going to be simple, but it'll be easier because I've already taken physics once before. I like that all our homework is online.

Nats 104 is going to rule. I'm so excited for this class. I love genetics and evolution and all that stuff...

Orchestra...I'm still not sold, but I'm gonna stick with it at least for this semester.

Froshmore Year.

So, this year is a bit odd for me. Classes start on my birthday, UA can't decide what transfers and deems me a freshman again, and I'm back in orchestra.

Yeah, you read that right. I'm back in orchestra. I got a facebook message from my high school orchestra director (side note: LOL ex director facebook) that basically said one of the UA orchestras is light on the low end and needs cellists. I pondered that for awhile, and then decided what the hell. Nothing to lose by going to talk to the conductor, right? Well, I've now been set up with an instrument, my work schedule has been altered, and I guess I'm a member of the UA Phil.

Bwah? All in the space of 24 hours. I'm glad I'm doing it, though. I do miss playing. I don't miss being in a practice room forever. It'll be a good way to meet people. I think it'll be good for me, honestly. And the phil is the non-major orchestra, so it's less of a time commitment (2 concerts a semester instead of 4 or 5)

First up...Comparative Religions. Now, because it's a gen ed class and not a religions dept class, we're only covering the Abrahamic religions. I'm pretty bummed about that, not gonna lie, but it seems like it'll be a good class. I've heard the teacher is biased towards Christianity, but pretends not to be, so that'll be interesting, but so far, he just seems like a jolly older gent who has lots of stories to tell. This will more than likely be my easiest class.

Next...That One I Can Never Remember the Name Of. Actually, it's Many Ways of Being Human. As far as the instructor says, the course is mainly about inequalities in the world and environmental issues. Odd combo, but okay. The textbooks are (apparently, I haven't cracked them yet) written by a "radical sociologist" and then the 2006 World Bank something or other, so that we get "both sides." Uhh huh. Sure. Both sides. The prof says "hokayyy?" a lot and is very sweaty. This one will be pretty easy too, no tests or quizzes, just homework and an optional (!) final.

Break time!

LING 178. The Mathematics of Language and Linguistics. I was so excited for this class, and then I went in and it's taught by a Chinese grad student. Greeaaaat. More difficult, but not impossible.

My last class of the day (after a 2 hour break) is physics 102. Also taught by a grad student, but he's in his 6th year of PhD work, so I trust him a bit more. This is going to make or break my semester, and therefore my gpa. I took physics my junior year of high school and worked my ass off for a B, so I'm hoping enough of the conceptual stuff stuck and it'll just be the math I have problems with.

Um, yeah, I think that's it. Other than I need my paycheck so I can put money on my meal plan.

I'm going to get an instrument tomorrow, then I have one class, a 2 hour break, work, and orchestra.

I honestly don't understand

My parents are worried about the relationship I'm in because I'm "isolating [my]self from friends and family," but when I make an attempt to hold a conversation, there is no response. Apparently my mom had surgery recently...they decided not to tell me until after the fact, and I still don't know what the surgery was for. I myspace messaged my brother, because I miss him and wanted to talk, but he read it and didn't respond (I only know that because myspace indicates the action taken on messages.)

There is nothing wrong with my relationship with Wesley. We are in love, are extremely happy together, and he only wants the best for me. I talk to my dad and my aunt. If anyone is isolating themselves, it's my mom and stepdad. They make no attempt at a relationship, and if they would listen to me and give me a chance to explain some things, I would be much more willing to talk to them. As it is, every time I have talked to my mom, she ends up hanging up on me. My personal favorite is when she gives me a laundry list of problems, but I'm not allowed to respond, because she doesn't want to play the "back and forth game." I don't want to play that game. I just want a chance to defend myself against some glaring mistakes in logic. (Wesley got in a fight with his sister, ergo, he will start hitting me. By that logic, my brother will be an abusive partner too).

It's not that I don't want a relationship with my family. I just don't think I have any reason to put up with this, and I really don't think they have any right to treat me the way they have.

I have nothing left to lose

I have been officially cut off from my family, by my family.

It started with the health insurance. My mom saying someone had been using my name to get prescriptions (she knew full well that it was me) and cut off the flex card.

Now, my cell phone has been disconnected. Congratulations, Mom, you have officially cut off your last line of communication with me. Don't expect to hear from me unless I'm dying.

It hurts, though. I'm 18, almost 19. I just got engaged (btw, we're engaged :D). I should be able to call my mom in one of my happiest moments and have her be happy with me. I should have my mom to help me plan my wedding. I should be able to go to her with anything. But I can't, because she decided to "teach me how to be independent." I didn't realize cutting me off from my family was teaching me that. And last I checked, you were upset because I was cutting myself off.

To the dick who hacked my email and facebook.

FUCK YOU.

41

I was in the hospital on Friday. Wesley stayed with me, and when he went to get some dinner (didn't know how long I'd be there, and I'd already been there for 6 hours), he went home and discovered that his brother had taken a pack of cigarettes he had hidden.

Today, I went to find something in the bathroom, and found my pill case. That pill case had one klonopin in it when I last saw it; now it is empty. The pill case was in a Coach wristlet inside of my purse. Wesley would have asked me for it; he has before, and I'm fine with giving them to him when he needs them. However, when I went to the doctor last, he wrote me a scrip for five pills so that I'd have them if I needed them before I could get to a psych. Wesley has taken two of them, I've taken one. I now have none left. The only reason I can think of that they would be gone is Wesley's brother. I know he was in our room that day, and I know he took something out of our room.

Whoever took them needs to know this. They invaded my space by coming into my room in the first place (and on a day I was in the hospital, no less!) and went through my things; including my purse (WHO DOES THAT?!). It isn't about the medication that they took (although, I have no idea what I'll do if I have a panic attack between now and my psych appointment on the second). I know, it costs very little to get on the street. The problem is that whoever did this invaded my space and my privacy and the one place I thought I could leave my things and have them be safe. That is not okay. Apparently, I cannot have anything prescribed to me that can be used as a street drug, because unless I have it on my person at all times, it will disappear.

Fuck that.

40

I really, honestly thought that the new drugs were working. But from the past week or so, I've had random bouts of depression and anxiety. I could attribute it to PMS, but I really don't think that's what it was. Usually I just get really frustrated with myself, and it's really hard to say this, but I have been suicidal. I would never act on anything, but I have been. Wesley was sleeping the other day, and I knew there was a razor blade in the room (he had used it to split a pill). I kept telling myself I didn't want to, and didn't need to, but I hate this. I can't feel anything, and that's why I used to cut. Self-inflicted pain was better than no feeling at all. So, yeah, I cut myself. Just once, on my calf. I know there is no reason for it, and it doesn't solve anything at all, but I needed to feel something.

That scares me.

39

Facebook allows me to see all my friends' pictures from their escapades in college. This morning, I logged on, and there were pictures from an ex-friend's party. It's entertaining to see that everyone has turned into exactly what I figured they'd be. C is a victim of the freshman fifteen, and looks kinda jaundiced and albino at the same time. She looks like a drunk, and she is. KL has become the ASU bleach blonde do-anything-for-a-beer that I hoped she wouldn't, but knew in the back of my mind she would. L is just a ho, the boys are the same, with more alcohol, and BandJ are as adorable as ever. B has really grown up...she's fucking gorgeous. 

What really kills me about this scenario, and the pictures, isn't that they've willingly tagged themselves in the same pictures as open beer cans and holding party cups looking completely trashed. It's the fact that they haven't left high school. They still hang out with the same friends, party at the same house (but now the parents don't care that there's alcohol, they probably buy it), and have the exact same drama. Wasn't there a point where we all said we wanted to escape high school and make some new friends, have a new outlook and a new life? I would have been invited to that party, had I been in Gilbert, and if I hadn't had the past year, I probably would have gone. But I realize now that it is the exact same shit over and over again. It'll never change.

38

I sat down to write because I couldn't sleep. Granted, it's not even 10. Why would I be sleeping? I got up at 7:30 this morning. I know, I know, pigs are flying, hell is freezing over. Anyway. I realized that it's been a good 3 weeks since I wrote anything here, and figured all my faithful readers out there would be disappointed that I hadn't updated lately. Okay, who am I kidding? I am the only person who reads my blog. 

Apparently, I am unemployable. One of the things that really gets to me is establishments insisting on an applicant having experience, but they know that every place demands the same. So it's the same damn thing, who knows why or how anyone gets hired, since no one will give anyone a chance to gain retail/food/customer service/arbitrary experience. So, I have no experience, no job, and no resume. That's awesome when it comes to apply for a job.

Last week, I applied for a credit card, thinking I could buy a bed with it (twin bed, two people over 6 feet tall just does not work) and start building some credit. Today, I get a letter, "regretfully declining" my application because--I shit you not--established a credit history. Seriously. DUH. I'm 18. How do I do that without getting a credit card and being responsible with it? It makes me want to shoot someone. Honestly.

Just the past three weeks have been overwhelming and stressful and AHHHH. The move down was pretty uneventful (I am only two trashcans lighter, everything else fit), but it took us about two weeks to get all my stuff unpacked...and once we got all my crap unpacked, we got fed up with sleeping in a twin bed, so we set up the futon right next to the bed, and it looks just as cluttered all over again. But there's the job hunting. The walking around and the buses and the applications and the crazy people and the sun and the dehydration and the pain and sometimes I want to give up, just say fuck it and tell my mom she was right and go home. But she isn't. I will prove her wrong.

37

Struggling to keep my eyes open. Maybe a quick nap before the chamber recital?

As an aside, once this recital is over, I'm done. Completely done, since I already submitted my online final.

YAY.

36

Well, that was fun. I wrote 2/3 of my final research paper between the hours of 10 pm and 8 am. I took a 3 hour nap (went to sleep at 4, intent on getting back up at 5, instead woke up at 7), and drank 2 venti non-fat caramel macchiatos (THANK GOD FOR STARBUCKS) PLUS a vanilla doubleshot. Yeah, I'm still pretty awake. Somehow, I can kinda function on 3 hours of sleep. Here's hoping I'm awake enough for my jury (I will probably experience a crash of epic proportions around noon and sleep until the chamber recital).

Note to self: No matter what happens today, the sleep you do or do not get, you MUST be awake by 7 tomorrow. Keep that in mind.

Number Three

on my list of Things That Bug the Crap Out of Me.

Stupid people who hang out in the lobby of the dorm at 2:20 in the morning and make it nearly impossible for the rest of us to do what we need to (homework/study) without waking our roommates. 

35

You know you've got a good thing going on when you hang up the phone and your first thought is 

"I love him so much."

:D

Number Two

on my list of Things That Bug the Crap Out of Me.

My family and their avoidance of important topics, except for the convienient dropped comment that is impossible to respond to at any length. 

Yeah...

I need to get the thoughts down for when I actually talk to my mom.

Mom,

I understand you have concerns. You're my parent, that's your job. But I wish you could have given me a chance to explain my choices before you make an assumption. I am not moving to Tucson because of Wesley. I am not changing schools because of him. 

I'm changing schools because I am miserable at NAU. I'm changing schools because after I decided to change my major, I looked at what my options were at NAU, and none of them interested me. This school is good for music (sort of), education, and forestry, and I do not want to pursue any of those. Aside from that, a degree from NAU is not going to be as respected as a degree from a highly respected research university, and in this economy and job market, I need all the help I can get.

As for my plan? Honestly, I don't know yet. I know I want to explore my other interests, and as of now, I'm leaning toward psychology or political science. I also know that looking at the course catalog excites me more than the idea of any class at NAU ever did. I'm excited to learn again, and that has to be worth something.

I know you don't think I've put enough thought into this decision, but I can assure you that I've put more thought into this change than I probably put into coming to NAU in the first place. As for the scholarship/financial support...I would've lost my scholarship as soon as I stopped taking classes toward a music major, so that just wasn't a factor. Yes, UofA's tuition is marginally more expensive than NAU's, but housing and meals will be a fraction of what they were this year. Half of the rent for an apartment (~$300/month) and food will be so much cheaper than the $6500 we paid for a dorm and meal plan. Obviously it's not going to be easy, and I'm not counting on it being easy. In fact, I'm sure it will be one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I'm actually looking forward to it. I want this challenge.

The reason I left on Wednesday morning without talking about it was that I was extremely upset, and I didn't feel it was appropriate to discuss it in front of Kenny. I was also concerned that I would overreact and say something that would make the situation worse. But I will address your concerns about Wes. 

~He does not have any of my email passwords. He knew the password that unlocks my computer because he used it while he was here and it just got annoying passing the computer back and forth so I could turn it on.

~Wesley is not isolating me from my friends and family. In fact, it's the exact opposite. He is the one that tried to get me out of my dorm room and to go out with friends. Wesley is the person that convinced me I needed to get out of bed and go to class when I was too depressed or anxious to do anything. This would be an extremely valid concern if it were true. If you have specific examples, I'd love to hear them.

~Wesley is not on a conditional release from prison (parole), he is on probation. He meets with his probation officer monthly and does community service to meet the requirements set by the judge that heard his case.

~By your reasoning, Kenny will also turn out to be an abusive partner, since everyone that hits their siblings turns into a wife beater.

~I encounter more second hand smoke walking in and out of Cowden than I ever have at Wes'.

~He used to smoke, and yes, he drinks, but he's old enough. He doesn't drink to excess, at all. In fact, he hardly ever drinks. There is no peer pressure involved, and honestly, it doesn't matter if there was, because if I wanted to drink or smoke weed, I could get my hands on it with just a phonecall or two. I'm in college. Legality is not going to stop anyone if they want it.

~He's never tested positive on a drug test while he's been on probation.

~There is a difference between wanting and needing, but honestly, I'm not sure he didn't need a beer. What you didn't see while we were sitting in that theatre full of people (literally, completely full) was Wesley having a panic attack. You're right. He probably is self-medicating, but that's only because he doesn't have the medication he needs or the means to get it. As for drinking on medication, you drink, more than he does, and I know you're not supposed to on Topamax (lower seizure threshold), and I'm pretty sure that goes for any anti-depressants.

~I know he has a fantastic sense of humor. That is one of the reasons I love him. Did you ever think for one moment that it may have disappeared because he was so nervous around you and Dwight? He wanted nothing more than for the two of you to like him, and as far as I could tell, was on his best behavior all weekend.

Honestly, it doesn't matter to me whether or not you approve of my relationship. You have raised me to be a competent, contributing adult, and you did a pretty damn good job of it. I know I'm the oldest, and I'm sure it's hard to let go, but you need to. You need to let me be the adult you've raised me to be. I won't ever learn if you won't let me make my own decisions and realize the outcome of those decisions. Right now, it seems to me that giving Wesley a chance is one of the best decisions I've ever made. No, he isn't perfect, but neither am I. No one is. I can't choose who I fall in love with based on some petty criteria you want me to follow. It doesn't work that way. I just wish you could see how happy he's made me over the past nine months and be happy for me.

34

Well, after far too long perusing other people's blogs, I figured it was time to update my own. One of my biggest problems is the existence of blogs. I swear, I read a couple of politics blogs daily, but those two blogs turn into two blogs and all the articles and other blogs they link to. I've pretty much come to accept it, so it's time to announce it to the world. I'm an information whore. I will click any relevant link, and I utilize the research databases that the university library grants us access to for fun. Wesley loves stats, and I am absorbing it like a sponge (for the most part) I read textbooks for fun. I love watching the news. I actually read newspapers. Every morning. I feel much more intelligent and informed after I read the news, and it makes me sad that physical, tangible newspapers are going under in favor of the digital whatever. What's next? My books? Hell to the no. I can't read a book on a computer (although, I really, really want a Kindle. That'd be awesome like nobody's business). I've always been an avid reader--there is never enough time for me to read like I'd like now, but I try my hardest to make time.

Okay, yeah, that's enough of my tangent...the point of this post to follow.

I have officially finished my first year of college. How crazy is that? It feels like it was just yesterday when I started this blog, but really, it was almost a year ago now. It seems like everything has just sped by way faster than I wanted, even the weeks that seemed to drag on. I'm kinda conflicted on whether or not to start a new blog, because, honestly, nothing about this one (aside from the posting, obviously) is me anymore. Will I be able to look at the URL every time I come here? brighteyedcellogirl. Today was my last lesson and orchestra rehearsal. I have my last concert on Sunday, and my jury on Monday morning. After this, who knows how long I'll be taking a break from cello? Edit: In case you're confused, I changed the name and layout, but kept the URL. I'll deal with that some other time. Yeah, whatever, I guess it doesn't matter that much. Why can't I stay on subject? Oh, right, caffiene and not enough sleep. This is day four I've been up past midnight. I really need to not make a habit of this.

So, anyway. I have the following left in my time here at NAU. Later today (technically), I have to attend my soon-to-be-ex-professor's faculty recital. Sunday is our last concert of the season, Monday I have my jury, my portfolio due for the class from hell, and the string/piano area chamber music recital, and Tuesday, I have an online final that has to be completed by 9:30 am. One assignment, 3 performances to attend/play in, and one online final. 

It's such a surreal feeling. Obviously, I knew this day would come (unless time stopped, and then I'd be pissed at whoever controls these things), but I had no idea back on May 22nd, 2008 that this is how my first year of college would go. Who could've guessed that the girl I road-tripped and celebrated housing assignments on a beach in California with would've left before I did, and that we didn't even make it through a month as roommates? Back when I made the decision to press NAU for all the scholarship money that they could/would give me, I had no idea that I would baffle everyone by turning it down for the next year. I know that changing majors, and even changing schools isn't unheard of, but that never played into my options or thoughts when deciding where to go. 

But here we are. I'm almost a complete year out of high school, and I've learned more about myself than I could've ever imagined. It hasn't been the easiest year, but I've made some big decisions (on my own, for once), and I'm starting an entire new chapter of my life on Wednesday. The only question is, what will I learn about myself in the next year? 

Here's to big risks and bigger rewards.

33

It's nights like this that I hate. Nights where I know I need to sleep, and I want to sleep, but my brain just won't turn off long enough to allow it. I went to bed at midnight last night, 2 am the night before, and god knows when I'll fall asleep tonight. This is the third straight night of being up until or past midnight with no real reasoning whatsoever, and tomorrow will probably be another normal morning, where my body is awake at 8 on the dot but my brain is screaming no, more sleep, please, stop doing this to me...When my brain does turn off on nights like this, I've usually spent so much time on making it happen that I'm not tired anymore, or I'm not in a position where I can take advantage of that 10 minute or so period of time.

So obviously, what do I do when I can't sleep?

Fill out job applications.

32

God. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to rent a van to move my stuff from Flagstaff to Tucson. It's only complicated because, well, you have to be 25 to rent a car. I'm not. And neither is Wesley. But I offered to pay for the van, because I can't drive it. This is just too fucking stressful. I hate that I have to worry about this when I should be worrying about finals and my research paper and recitals and juries. Yes, I want to move down there as soon as I can, but I absolutely HATE the logistics of it.

Friday Night Link Dump.

Edit: When you click on links, open them in a new window or tab.

This is one of the coolest things I've seen in a long time. A Dutch photographer stood on street corners in NYC for two weeks at a time and took pictures of the passers-by and then made composite images in Photoshop. It's mindblowing.

This one kinda pisses me off. I get horrible migraines, as do my brother, mom, and boyfriend. And my boyfriend has fibro pain almost daily. So, yes, pain happens. The fact that anyone would think I would lie about something like that just upsets me so much.

Over at Pandagon, there's a fantastic piece about the tradition of engagement rings. As I'm sure I've mentioned here, I'm a sucker for the sparkly, but at the same time, it seems slightly out of date for my future fiance to spend more money than we have on an engagement ring. I don't like the idea of being marked as someone's property if I don't get to mark him back. That's partly why we've talked about getting similar (maybe matching) tattoos. We're going to probably get some sort of something so that when we say "hey, we're engaged," we have something to show. As much as I wish it wasn't the case, people assume things if the guy didn't get you a ring. Whatever we do, it'll be something special and unique for us.

Finally, Friday video time. This pisses me off so, so much. zomg teh gaysss! (Also, the older gent teaches drama at my high school. DRAMA.) But here's the funny--the Funny or Die parody, A Gaythering Storm.

31

I found a new theme song, and goddammit, things are already going wrong.

Wilco's nothing'severgonnastandinmyway (again). But guess what? Something already has. I was sick yesterday, so I had to cancel my conference with my English professor. You know, the required one that counts as two absences if you don't show up? Yeah. She emailed me back and said that I could come at 1:10 today. I get there at 1:10, and she says "oh, you never replied to my email, so I gave that spot to someone else. Be in class tomorrow with 3-6 pages for peer review." (even though I saw her walking into the building this morning and made a point of checking to be sure of the time)
So now I have a few more pages to write, and no guidance or idea of where this is going. Fanfuckingtastic.

It just seems like I can't make things go my way anymore. I'm honestly not too worried about it, because none of these classes will affect my UofA gpa, but it is getting so fucking frustrating to have everything turn around on me at the very last possible moment. Whatever. Two weeks left in this dump, and then my life will turn around, and I will make things work.

This is one of the things that before, would have for sure given me an anxiety attack, but here we are. I'm working through it, letting go of things, and not thinking about it anymore. I can't change what just happened, so there isn't really any reason to stress over it.

Edit: I'm still pissed, though.

We did it for the laughs.

A new countdown.

9 days until the cello studio recital.
14 days until my last NAU orchestra concert
15 days until the chamber music recital and juries.
16 days until my last final.

I'm not sure when I'm actually leaving. Hopefully I'll be able to be in Tucson for Wesley's birthday, but who knows. I've been looking forward to leaving all semester, and now I can't believe it's actually happening. This year, I've figured out what I don't want to do with my life, but not what I want to. With help, I've gotten help for my problems. I've failed a class and redeemed my academic record. I've met the man I plan on spending the rest of my life with. It's been a mixed bag, but at this moment, I can say that I am happier than I've been in a long, long time.

30

I don't know why I keep thinking about this, but it's one of the only things keeping me going right now.

I just love thinking about what's going to happen in May or June. It's just going to be me and him (and maybe a kitten. Haven't decided yet) in our own place. We keep saying we want to start our life together and once we get the apartment, it'll actually be happening. I love the thought of having our own place and being able to fall asleep in his arms and wake up next to him every single day. I have this thought of him meeting me after class and going home together, him making dinner, and sitting on the couch and watching baseball. And then, of course, there's the awesome sex. ;) But seriously. I can't wait to live with him. I love him, more than anything, and I think we're meant to be together.

And yes, baby, I do want a cat. We can't name it Chairman Meow, though. Sorry.

29

My cousin will have been married for a year in May. A week or so ago, she messaged me on Facebook with a warning about how hard marriage is and how I shouldn't rush into anything.
I've been thinking about that a lot lately. How hard would be, really, for me to marry him? Would it really be the hardest thing we've ever done? Yeah, obviously, it wouldn't be easy. We're both young, and I don't feel like I'm ready to get married just yet. I really think that if we could make it through the next couple years, with the recession and being in school and all of that, I think we could make it through pretty much anything.
And here's the thing. I want to marry him. I want to establish a career for myself, for him to establish his own; I especially want to be happy and financially stable and secure. Once that happens, I want to have kids with him, I want to raise our kids and I want to spend the rest of our lives together and grow old together. I see these little old couples, as happy together as when they first met, and I can only hope that we end up that way.

I've been on the new meds for four days now. I don't know if it's just a placebo effect type thing, but I really do feel better already, and that gives me a lot of hope. The downside? I have all of the side effects. No bueno.

28

Today sucked...well, the last part of it did, anyway.

Went to symphony and got a migraine. Migraine caused me to lose my vision in my left eye. Losing vision in my left eye caused a small panic attack, because I couldn't leave. Went to go get my anxiety medication so I'd be okay for my quartet rehearsal, but there was a fucking fire drill in my building, so I couldn't.

Being fucked up in the head is tiring.

27

I officially have an entire drugstore in my dorm room.

26

I have honestly run out of motivation. The only class I want to be in at this point is theory, but I can't do that. I just don't care about anything anymore. Yes, I fucked up and didn't write a paper for my English class. Yes, I fucked up again and didn't do it when she gave me the chance to make it up. I would've gotten a shitty grade anyway, so why can't you just let me finish my last few weeks here and do the work coming up instead of trying to re-read the first novel of the semester and write a decent paper that I won't get more than a C on because it's too late? I've resigned myself to failing this class, and I honestly don't care. None of the classes here will apply to my gpa at UA, so just let me be. Please. Hell, for all you know, next semester I'll be on the Dean's List.

I finally bit the bullet and set up appointments at student health for counseling and to see if I can get meds. I should have done it so much earlier. I thought I could fix this myself, but instead, I've probably managed to damage the best thing in my life right now. He can't be my therapist. I know that, but my pride and my anxiety got in the way and I couldn't bring myself to call the people who could actually help. Hopefully this will be what I need.

But in the meantime..."hold your own, know your name, go your own way. all the details in the fabric, all the things that make you panic, all your thoughts a result of static swing. everything will be fine."

You should know...

I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else, and I honestly don't have any idea what I would do if I lost you.

Please, take care of yourself.

This is the sound of settling.

The best literature deserves more than one glance. It isn't often that one can pick every nuance, meaning, or theme out from one reading. Reading a book that I read in high school and remembering parts, but also realizing the blatant points that I missed, or the ones that weren't really relevant to me then but are now...that's an odd, but great, feeling. I need to reread a lot of things, by that standard.

I've changed so much in the past year. About a year ago, I was calling up my orchestra teacher far too early for a Sunday to find out the results of my all-state audition, tearing up before I found out, and then doing a combo celebrate/cry/happy dance around my house knowing that I actually accomplished the one thing I wanted before I graduated. I still can't believe that I had that experience, and all the other things I've done, but I wonder what me from a year ago would say if she knew how it ended. I certainly didn't think it was going to go down the way it did.

Weather in Flagstaff is the most random thing ever. All last week, it was crazy cold and windy and weird, and then yesterday was gorgeous, and today, we're back to WIND. LOTS AND LOTS OF WIND.

I procrastinate. It's a fact of life. Sometimes I wonder if my procrastination is not being able to focus on something long enough to get it done. I get distracted. Maybe I should start writing down due dates a day or two early, so that I get it done. Or maybe I should just stop procrastinating, and do things when I'm supposed to.

I still think Flagstaff is a beautiful place, but I'm realizing more and more that living in a beautiful small town isn't good enough for me. I need the city, I need the feeling that if I couldn't sleep, I could go out and do something. I want...I don't know what I want. I want to not be stuck on campus all the time.

My brain is not conducive to studying, reading, or writing as something I need to do. I have to empty it of thought; turn on some music to give myself a background to make that unruly, unconcentrated part of my brain something to focus on so that the part I want to use can go to work. I get these thoughts that flit around my head, and it's like they won't go away unless I turn my head to the side and smack it until they float out my ear...or write them down. That works too.

I saw the police chase a kid down the pedway from my dorm window earlier. That was weird.

Random ramblings.

Talked to my mom today about the possibility of going back into counseling, and back on medication. I'm suffering the effects of this daily, without warning and without reason. Mom doesn't believe me about the anxiety attacks, though, just like before. I don't know how to tell her that I know what I'm experiencing, and if it isn't an anxiety attack, I don't know what it is, because I feel like I'm drowning in it. She and her neurologist think that the depression, the migraines, the connective tissue problems, the pain, and the rest of it are just symptoms of something greater; some problem in the inner workings of our brains that no one can quite figure out. I'm afraid to mention my constant physical pain and fatigue in fear that it'll just be lumped in with this greater evil, when I'm not sure that it's part of it. I wish they would (or could) treat all of my problems separately, with the intention of making all of them better, instead of as one lump sum. Whatever this is seems to be hereditary, and passed through the mother, but also recessive. My grandma doesn't have any symptoms, but three of her four daughters do, and of the six grandchildren, only two (my brother and I) got it. And one of us got it full force. It worries me for when I decide to have kids...Is that really a good decision, to bring my own children into the world when I know firsthand what I've gone through and what they may or may not have to deal with? It certainly wouldn't be fair. But that thought just scares the crap out of me.

The College of Arts and Letters here is completely incompetent. You CANNOT LOSE PAPERWORK. Apparently, I'm still a performance major, because they lost my forms to change my major. Joy.

Even with the crap that has been NAU's honors program and the English requirements, there was a small bright spot today. Checking out UA's English req's, and if you scored a 4 or 5 on the AP English test (which I did, twice), you are required to take one semester of English instead of the two semesters that everyone else takes. Thank the Lord, because I don't think I could have gone through another two semester English plan to fulfill a freshman requirement. I miss the way I used to be able to write. It wasn't because I had to, and even when I did, I made the most of it. I had a voice in my work that was unmistakable. Back then (back then? who am I kidding? A few years ago, maybe), my writing was much more organic. It was my mind on the page. I have spent so much time lately trying to adhere to different preferred writing styles that it has completely lost the voice, and therefore the pull. I hate not writing for myself. English is too subjective to grade (and there's why I could never be an English teacher.)

Spring Break was mostly uneventful. Went to Tucson for a few days, Wesley came up to the Valley with me, we saw Rent at ASU Gammage, and then I came back to Flag and he went back to Tucson. I'm really looking forward to May. I want to move out of my parents' house for good, and I can't wait for the grand adventure that will be living together. The weekend we spent in Gilbert was odd...my parents wanted to get to know him, but won't give me a straight answer on whether or not they like him. It honestly does not matter to me if they like him or not, but I would like a straight answer for once. Their opinion will not alter how I feel about him, but it would be nice to have my parents like the man I'm planning on marrying. I know what I think. I love him, with all my heart and soul. He is my everything. My best friend. I cannot imagine life without him by my side, and I honestly don't want to.

25

Everything seems much more real now.

I finally got my UofA application in.
I called my high school to request my transcripts.
I turned in a transcript request to NAU.
I'm going to Tucson tomorrow to look at an apartment and try to find a job.
The only reason I'm hopeful about the job thing is that I'm looking nine weeks in advance for something extremely long-term--the foreseeable future, in fact. I'm willing to commit to whomever wants to hire me for however long they need me. I plan on being there for a hell of a long time (except for a weekend in July for my cousin's wedding). I don't have much experience, but I learn quickly, and I retain information like nobody's business.

The only thing I'm having problems with is the one class I took at MCC...what, two years ago? I can't figure out how to get the freaking transcript, because their online thingy doesn't work, which means I have to either go there or find access to a fax machine. Who the hell has a fax machine anymore?

RAWR

(it means 'i love you' in dinosaur)

I'm updating from the 24 hour computer lab in my dorm. My laptop decided to pull an epic fail, and I'm about to pull an Office Space.

24

I am actually happy to be going "home" this weekend, surprisingly enough.

23

I look forward to the "okay" days. I don't try to make them good, or great, or awesome, because somehow that always ends up backfiring.

Today was an okay day. I was too restless to lie in bed after I woke up (inexplicably) at 8, so I got a bagel and coffee. I didn't finish the bagel because I felt really nauseous when I started eating. Let's hope this shit with the morning nausea isn't going to start again. Maybe I'll be back to a cup of coffee in the morning. Curly Haired Violinist joined me-she saw me eating by myself and thought I looked lonely. It's crazy how we really have nothing in common anymore. We were bestest buddies in high school, and the original plan was for us to room together...oh man, I am so glad that didn't happen. Went to Harmony, turns out I missed a pop quiz on Thursday, which kinda sucked, but it wasn't too bad. Learned some things that are still slightly over my head but OMG I LOVE MUSIC THEORY. Went to masterclass, which is never awesome, but we didn't really do anything, which was. Walked up to Chamber, and it was ridiculously bad, but I got to sit with someone different, so that was cool. Lesson after an hour or so of practicing... ::shrug:: could've been worse.

So far, I'm doing well with this week's goal of going to all of my classes; Monday doesn't count because I was throwing up. Wednesday is usually a difficult day for me, but we'll see...no class until 12:30, but I go until 9. Yeah...

...It only has to be an okay day, not a great one.
I'll just keep telling myself that.

22

My cello professor said today "I guess when I learned this, I learned it as a cellist. I learned it note by note, phrase by phrase...it's a different language. It's not in my vocabulary."

I'm playing Max Bruch's Kol Nidrei for this semester's recital. The Kol Nidre is a prayer from the first service of Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement). It is basically a prayer for forgiveness and redemption for all of one's sins of the past year. "May all the people of Israel be forgiven, including all the strangers who live in their midst, for all the people are in fault." It is an absolutely beautiful piece of music, and I don't care if you're Jewish or not, I think that thought of atonement and redemption is something that we all strive to attain in our lives. I don't know how it isn't in anyone's vocabulary.

Anyway. Just from the tiny bit of research I've done (yay wiki!), I've gotten a lot of ideas on how it should sound when I play it. But really. I kill myself. I know exactly what I want to do with my music at all times. Every phrase, every moment, every note has a soul. But I don't have the technique to make what I hear in my head come through my instrument. Argh.

21

I just need to get this out.

I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm not good enough, that I'm making the wrong decision, and that doing what I think is right for me is going to completely backfire. I'm scared that I won't do any better at UA than I'm doing here, and that I'll be in the exact same place at the end of next semester. I'm scared that I won't be able to afford this change because of the economy, and that I won't be able to find a job here to help cushion my move or there to sustain myself. I'm scared that we won't be able to find an affordable apartment close to campus. I'm scared that there really is something wrong with me that makes me feel like this all the time, but at the same time, I hope there is, because that would explain the past six months. It scares me that I have to face the prospect of making this huge change in my life without any help or encouragement from my parents, even though they've made my life a living hell for wanting to do this.

The thing that scares me the most? I have no idea what I want to do once I'm there.

20

I keep getting random anxiety attacks whenever I think of all the shit I have to get done.


FML.

19

I have no idea what was going on earlier, honestly.

What I do know is that I am extremely lucky to have an amazing boyfriend who is willing to sit and listen to me cry over the phone for reasons I'm not even entirely sure of. When I told him that for the first time in years, I cut myself (nothing to worry about, it's really just a scratch on the inside of my knee), all he did was try to figure out what I was feeling at the exact moment. The answer was nothing. I was feeling nothing, and I desperately needed to feel something.

I just piss myself off. I'm not supposed to be like this. I'm supposed to be the perfect daughter. Intelligent, funny, attractive, sane. My mother would probably die if she knew that I actually failed a class my first semester of college. First time ever. I'm not funny, I'm a sarcastic bitch. I don't think I'm all that attractive. I need to lose more weight, and even then, I really don't understand how anyone would find me attractive. And obviously, if I'm having episodes like this, I'm not okay. I'm not sane. I've been through this before. Therapy, meds, different meds, more therapy...I guess I'll always need it. Yeah, everyone has ups and downs...but not like I did today.

I'm damn good at putting on the right face for the situation. I am a sweetheart to everyone I encounter, I say thank you even when 10 minutes before I was sobbing uncontrollably. No one here knows me well enough to know when I'm down, when I skip classes because I'm too depressed to get out of bed. No matter what I do, it takes talking myself into it because I get really, really anxious and freeze up. I have to talk myself into going to the Union to get food half of the time.



I hate being like this. I need help. I just don't know how to ask for it again.





----------------------------
Wesley thinks I need to do something for myself...but I'm not that kind of person. I don't do anything for myself, ever. I can't justify spending money on myself when I know in three months, I'll be completely on my own financially, trying to find a new job in a crap economy, getting ready to start at a new school, and right now I can't find a job. I think I know what I'll do, though. Cheap haircut, box of hair dye, and a new outfit. I think I can manage that.

18

I am too depressed to get out of bed. I've spent the morning (7, when I meant to get up, until now) crying. I don't even know why. I'm overwhelmed and frustrated and it feels like no one cares.

Why would they? I'm not worth much.

17

Walking to the locker room on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday afternoons is an odd experience for me. Some days it makes me smile, and some days it makes me almost cry. Those four days, from 3-4, the top choir here rehearses. I have to walk past the choir room to get to the locker room, and the sounds, the music that comes out of that room those four hours a week...it's absolutely beautiful.



I don't know how to react to true beauty anymore.

16

I hate my schedule. Yeah, the classes are better than last semester, but ugh. At least last semester I knew I would always be done by dinner time.

This semester, no two days are the same...wait. Monday and Wednesday are the same, and the absolute worst. Mondays and Wednesdays I go 8-10, break until 11:30, class from 11:30-2, break until 3:30, and then I'm in rehearsal for symphony and my quartet from 3:30-7.
Tuesdays I am in class from 8-2, with no long breaks. T/Th classes are 75 minutes instead of 50, so the breaks are longer. I like my 40 minute break between math and harmony. Yay breakfast. But other than that break (which I usually spend standing in line at Starbucks, Einstein's, or Jamba), I have no break until 2. Tuesday is also usually my lesson day, so then my lesson is at 4:45. Thankfully someone needed to switch with me, or I'd be mighty cranky during my lessons-they were supposed to be at 2:15.
Thursday is my favorite day. Only one class and one rehearsal! Class from 9:35-10:50 and chamber rehearsal from 12:45-2.
Friday, my 9:10 and 12:30 classes don't meet, so while I only have 3 classes, one of them is at 8:00 in the morning. No bueno.

Now for my random thoughts.

• I don't do well in math 1) at 8 oclock in the morning 2) without food or coffee 3) at all 4) all of the above.
• What is the point in scheduling a four day a week class that doesn't meet on Thursdays? Why not take Fridays or Mondays off and make everyone happy?
• As much as I hate my M/W schedule, I love my random 90 minute class on those days. One of, if not the best English classes I have ever been in.
• I love music theory, and I'm really glad it's a T/Th class instead of a M/W/F so that we can be there longer.
• Orchestra is okay this semester. Symphony is playing two really great pieces this concert, and Chamber isn't nearly as bad as I thought it'd be. I just hate hiking up to Ashurst...it's killing my back.
• I told MDB I did not want to be in any chamber groups, so what happened? I'm in the only one she's not coaching.
• I'm really, really glad I dropped choir.
• I thought I got over my social awkwardness in high school, but I guess it was just that I didn't care anymore because I had been around all of them for so long and didn't crave approval. I was comfortable, and because I was comfortable with them, I was comfortable doing things that I wouldn't normally do, like run for section leader in choir or lead sectionals in orchestra.
  
• I can't do social things with big groups of people. I get anxious too easily. I would rather spend my time by myself or with my small group of friends.
• The only thing I like about being a music major right now is theory. Piano and sight-singing are a waste of my time, I don't particularly like playing solo rep, and orchestra just gets on my nerves. I feel like I'm not respected in my section because I decided to change to a BA, and that's hard, even though I know in my heart it was the best choice for me.
• I need to find a job. Like last week.
• I'm tired of the monotony of the Union for my food. I need my own personal chef.

Fuck. Time for orchestra.

15

Here's what I'm wondering.

Why am I expected to be mature enough to choose something to study in college and spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on that study, but at the exact same time, I'm not mature enough to know that I want to spend the rest of my life with someone?

I'm not jumping into anything, because I want to be absolutely sure. But why isn't it okay for me to say, at almost 19, that I want to marry the man I'm with right now?

I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I know I want to spend it with him.

14

Today was a fantastic day.

It actually started last night. Looked at apartments online with Wesley, went to bed at 10:30. Going to bed at 10:30 meant that I got a whole NINE hours of sleep, so I was awake for the test in my 8 am class. I feel really good about that test (even though I'm really bad at math). After that, I got breakfast and did my Harmony homework. I had a lightbulb moment in Harmony, and so I actually understand everything that's going on in that class. (I love music theory. I'll probably take theory classes...forever.) Went to Masterclass, but Mary wasn't there, so we just read through our ensemble piece for the studio recital and went to lunch. Walked to Chamber, and other than the fact that my back is killing me, that rehearsal wasn't even too bad (got out early, woo.)

So now I'm doing laundry and watching TDS/Colbert...probably do homework later, but this has been the best. day. evar.




Or at least of the semester.

13

I honestly don't get it.

This morning, I realized that I just walk out in front of cars to cross the street without checking to see if they're going to stop. I honestly don't care what happens at the moment.

I'm in this weird state of not quite depression, more apathy than anything else. I'm on a downkick with the self-esteem, I get anxious really easily, I'm super stressed out, and to top it all off, I had a panic attack.

I can't keep going like this.

I am Jack's complete lack of surprise

Man. I love Fight Club.

12

If anything ever assured me I was making the right choice, the last hour did.

Yes, I love playing cello. Yes, at some point, I'll probably miss it. But I need to do it because I want to, not because I have to, and at some point, I'll probably go back to it.

Because right now, I hate it, don't have any motivation, and just really want to take a break. But I can't.

Seriously?

What kind of girl do you take me for?

No, I will not cheat on my boyfriend just so I can "see what [I've] been missing" since we broke up.





Fuck. You. Whore.

Pardon me if I decide I suddenly don't feel like talking to you.
"All a real man needs is his tongue and the alphabet"? "Maybe I could show you sometime?"?!?!

A real man needs to know how to treat his girl, make her feel safe, tell her what he feels and satisfy her every need.
I'm with a real man.

You've still got a lot to learn. Go fuck yourself.

The Road

The first novel we're reading this semester in my English class is Cormac McCarthy's The Road.



It is honestly the most terrifying thing I have ever read, and I'm only 100 pages in.

11

A guy in my music theory class asked me out last week. He's known me since the beginning of last semester (we had the worst class ever together) and has known me since I've been attached at the hip. I realized yesterday that anytime I think about Wesley, I automatically smile. And since I miss him a lot and think about him all the time, I suppose I'm smiling all the time.

Maybe it is true. Maybe people in relationships are more attractive because they're happier.

"Stop frowning, because you never know who could be falling in love with your smile."

Tuesday Random 10.

It snowed all day yesterday. It wasn't particularly cold, just really, really windy. I guess it was about 2 inches? And, as a plus, I only fell down once. (Ice under snow, fell right on my ass) The mountains almost glow the day after it snows...bright white against a pure blue sky. Absolutely beautiful.

I don't know that I'll actually miss Flagstaff; I'm pretty sure I'll be tired of the snow by May. But right now, I love love love it.

I kinda still like orchestra (even though that's getting on my nerves, big time), and I absolutely love music theory. Piano is...eh, and I just think sight-singing is a waste of my time. Lessons, on the other hand, I HATE. I realized today that I would be just fine not playing any solo rep for awhile. I think that's a problem and the biggest reason I'm switching? changing? exploring other options. Yeah.

My knees don't handle cold weather very well. As much as I'd like to live somewhere other than the desert...I don't think my body would handle it very well. New York, Chicago, Boston, Minneapolis, San Fransisco, Portland, Seattle, London, and Dublin are all on my list of places I'd love to live. Notice the theme? All have heavy precipitation and not warm weather.

I think I'd do better in large metro area than I would in a place like Flagstaff. I go stir-crazy too easily.

Watching some Arthurian movie with the roommate for her English class. I. Hate. Epics.

As much as I hate stereotypical gender roles and portrayals, I can't help but honestly get distracted by sparkly things. Like large diamonds. Like this one. Oh, I would melt if someone gave me that ring. Or any ring. Honestly, I don't want a huge diamond. I'd rather have a small ring or an antique ring or a necklace or anything that meant something to me and the man proposing to me. Hell. Wesley and I have talked about getting matching tattoos. That'd be meaningful.

I love Rachel Maddow.

I can't wait for February 11th (Demetri Martin ftw!).

I wish I didn't have to wait for May to roll around.

New Year's Resolutions...or something.

I suppose I'm about a month behind...but I need to get these somewhere. I'm not really one for resolutions, but I know there're things that I need to change. (Plus, an update on my October resolutions, woo!)

First, updates.
Stop procrastinating? Hasn't happened. Right now, I'm putting off a paper.
Practice every day. It got better, but I haven't had a lesson yet this semester.
Read or write for enjoyment at least three times a week- I whittled that down to once a week, because I have no time. I did read 3 books over break, though. Go me!
Be a kinder person...I think I'm doing well on that one. You'd have to tell me, though.
Talk to my mom more often. Hah.
Go to InterVarsity every week? Nope. Honestly, I don't know that I'm Christian. Spiritual, yes. Christian, not really. I'm not a fan of organized religion. I don't think I ever will be.

Aaaaand resolutions!

STOP PROCRASTINATING. Obviously, I still have problems with that. I probably always will. But I really, really, really need to get over it. I can't keep leaving papers until the week of, day before, day that they're due. It kills my grades and my self-esteem and ARGH.

Take care of my appearance. A few days ago, Wesley told me that I can be "plain and unassuming at times, but sometimes, you're downright gorgeous." I honestly did not know how to respond to that. I really don't think that I'm all that good looking, but he's been amazing telling me how beautiful he thinks I am. I guess sometimes I just decide it isn't worth the effort to do my makeup, find cute clothes, and blah blah blah. I really do want to make myself look more presentable, but I've had a freakin horrible time finding cute clothes that fit and look good. I'm hoping he can help me out with that one...I know he thinks my body's amazing and he wishes I'd show it off more, but I'm really really not comfortable enough with myself to do that.

Move to Tucson. I'm so ready to get out of here. I am lonely here, I can count the number of friends I have on one hand, and I'm not doing music after this semester, so there's no reason for me to stay here. But before I do that, I need to...

Pass all my classes. Simple enough.

Find a job and keep it all semester. If I plan on moving to Tucson and going to UofA, I will not have any help from my parents. I need to find a job (yesterday), keep it for the entire semester, and save most of the money I make at said job so that I can afford to live and go to school somewhere else.

Better Together

I had no idea one person could make me this happy.

We're both insanely weird, we both have shit in our pasts, but somehow, we are absolutely perfect together. He loves me for who I am, even though who I am isn't always great. It amazes me how someone with their own fairly large problems can take my shit and carry it better than I can.

My heart melts every time he kisses me, every time he calls me gorgeous, sexy, beautiful, every time time I get to see him after too long apart, every time he smiles at me, every time he hugs me or holds me or even touches me. Everything he does makes me fall a little bit more in love with him. I used to wonder how I fell in love with him so fast, but I realize now that it doesn't matter how or why I fell for him so hard, because I have been happier with him in the past 5 months than I can ever remember being before in my life. Yes, the distance sucks, but I really, truly believe that it makes our relationship that much stronger.

He is my best friend, my soulmate, and the only man I want in my life.

So here's to you, baby. I can't believe we've made it this far, and I think we'll be together forever. I love you. I am the luckiest girl in the world.

Do you hear me,
I'm talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky oh my, baby I'm trying
Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Oooohhhhoohhhhohhooohhooohhooohoooh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music, feel the air
I'll put a flower in your hair
Though the breezes through trees
Move so pretty you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I'm lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooohh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooooh ooooh oooh oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

Buckle up. (Part I)

This is going to be quite the trip.


Let's start with school. I don't like it. I don't like NAU. The campus is okay, but the school itself is a bit too small for me. I despise living in the dorms and the repetition of the Union's food choices.

I can honestly count the number of close friends I have here on one hand, and that's not okay with me. Sure, I have plenty of casual friends, girls I'd feel comfortable going out and partying with, but that's not who I am or what I need. I need real relationships, people I can trust, and feel comfortable sharing anything with because I know I'll get good advice and not be judged. Yes, I have a hard time trusting people, and I tend to push some good people away, but I need the people that are willing to break through that. I just don't have that here.

Music...oh, where to begin? It was my passion. Playing cello kept my soul alive. Being in orchestra and choir connected me with the people I cared about most in high school and then kept me connnected with them. But there's the thing. People. I was discussing it with Robin, and I really think that that is the reason I loved orchestra so much. It was another family. Being a music major isn't about being in orchestra. It's about being with yourself and your instrument for too many hours a week, improving so that you can compete with the people that you were there to have fun with. I'm not okay with that. It was my passion, something that I did because I wanted to, because I could...and then it became something that I had to do, and now I resent it. I need a break from cello. I really think that I'm meant to help people, and I don't see how I can do that sitting by myself and practicing constantly. I loved that I didn't take my cello out of it's case the entire break. I gave myself a break, and I'm hoping that it helps me get through this last semester before I leave cello behind for as long as I need to. I have no doubt that I'll come back to it eventually-my life would be completely empty without music in it-but I don't know when that will be. So, yes, I'll probably miss playing in orchestra, but I won't miss spending more time in the practice room than I do with people I care about, worrying about what chair I am, arranging my schedule around orchestra rehearsals, turning down plans because I have to practice/rehearse/play a concert, or having my back hurt constantly. I plan on teaching myself how to play guitar (something I've always wanted to do, but never had the time for) and maybe writing my own songs.

9

I've started this post about 7 times but can't collect my thoughts enough to finish it.





Well, balls.


Edit: Half of the aforementioned post is now up.

Update

I am "highly admissible" to the University of Arizona.
Guess where I'll be in the fall? Yay Tucson.

Actually, currently in Tucson, so more later.

Auld Lang Syne

Well, it's officially 2009...has been for five minutes. I just realized I haven't updated since...oh, forever ago, so I figured I'd do one now.

Stayed home. Did nothing. Had a virtual kiss from my boyfriend. Stupid not being able to see each other.

Some resolutions, then, I suppose?
Pass all my classes
Figure out where I'm going to school in the fall
Get a job
Keep losing weight

Trying to keep it simple, yeah? It hasn't been a bad year, but it hasn't been a fantastic one, either. I did meet my soulmate. :)