24

I am actually happy to be going "home" this weekend, surprisingly enough.

23

I look forward to the "okay" days. I don't try to make them good, or great, or awesome, because somehow that always ends up backfiring.

Today was an okay day. I was too restless to lie in bed after I woke up (inexplicably) at 8, so I got a bagel and coffee. I didn't finish the bagel because I felt really nauseous when I started eating. Let's hope this shit with the morning nausea isn't going to start again. Maybe I'll be back to a cup of coffee in the morning. Curly Haired Violinist joined me-she saw me eating by myself and thought I looked lonely. It's crazy how we really have nothing in common anymore. We were bestest buddies in high school, and the original plan was for us to room together...oh man, I am so glad that didn't happen. Went to Harmony, turns out I missed a pop quiz on Thursday, which kinda sucked, but it wasn't too bad. Learned some things that are still slightly over my head but OMG I LOVE MUSIC THEORY. Went to masterclass, which is never awesome, but we didn't really do anything, which was. Walked up to Chamber, and it was ridiculously bad, but I got to sit with someone different, so that was cool. Lesson after an hour or so of practicing... ::shrug:: could've been worse.

So far, I'm doing well with this week's goal of going to all of my classes; Monday doesn't count because I was throwing up. Wednesday is usually a difficult day for me, but we'll see...no class until 12:30, but I go until 9. Yeah...

...It only has to be an okay day, not a great one.
I'll just keep telling myself that.

22

My cello professor said today "I guess when I learned this, I learned it as a cellist. I learned it note by note, phrase by phrase...it's a different language. It's not in my vocabulary."

I'm playing Max Bruch's Kol Nidrei for this semester's recital. The Kol Nidre is a prayer from the first service of Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement). It is basically a prayer for forgiveness and redemption for all of one's sins of the past year. "May all the people of Israel be forgiven, including all the strangers who live in their midst, for all the people are in fault." It is an absolutely beautiful piece of music, and I don't care if you're Jewish or not, I think that thought of atonement and redemption is something that we all strive to attain in our lives. I don't know how it isn't in anyone's vocabulary.

Anyway. Just from the tiny bit of research I've done (yay wiki!), I've gotten a lot of ideas on how it should sound when I play it. But really. I kill myself. I know exactly what I want to do with my music at all times. Every phrase, every moment, every note has a soul. But I don't have the technique to make what I hear in my head come through my instrument. Argh.

21

I just need to get this out.

I'm scared. I'm scared that I'm not good enough, that I'm making the wrong decision, and that doing what I think is right for me is going to completely backfire. I'm scared that I won't do any better at UA than I'm doing here, and that I'll be in the exact same place at the end of next semester. I'm scared that I won't be able to afford this change because of the economy, and that I won't be able to find a job here to help cushion my move or there to sustain myself. I'm scared that we won't be able to find an affordable apartment close to campus. I'm scared that there really is something wrong with me that makes me feel like this all the time, but at the same time, I hope there is, because that would explain the past six months. It scares me that I have to face the prospect of making this huge change in my life without any help or encouragement from my parents, even though they've made my life a living hell for wanting to do this.

The thing that scares me the most? I have no idea what I want to do once I'm there.

20

I keep getting random anxiety attacks whenever I think of all the shit I have to get done.


FML.

19

I have no idea what was going on earlier, honestly.

What I do know is that I am extremely lucky to have an amazing boyfriend who is willing to sit and listen to me cry over the phone for reasons I'm not even entirely sure of. When I told him that for the first time in years, I cut myself (nothing to worry about, it's really just a scratch on the inside of my knee), all he did was try to figure out what I was feeling at the exact moment. The answer was nothing. I was feeling nothing, and I desperately needed to feel something.

I just piss myself off. I'm not supposed to be like this. I'm supposed to be the perfect daughter. Intelligent, funny, attractive, sane. My mother would probably die if she knew that I actually failed a class my first semester of college. First time ever. I'm not funny, I'm a sarcastic bitch. I don't think I'm all that attractive. I need to lose more weight, and even then, I really don't understand how anyone would find me attractive. And obviously, if I'm having episodes like this, I'm not okay. I'm not sane. I've been through this before. Therapy, meds, different meds, more therapy...I guess I'll always need it. Yeah, everyone has ups and downs...but not like I did today.

I'm damn good at putting on the right face for the situation. I am a sweetheart to everyone I encounter, I say thank you even when 10 minutes before I was sobbing uncontrollably. No one here knows me well enough to know when I'm down, when I skip classes because I'm too depressed to get out of bed. No matter what I do, it takes talking myself into it because I get really, really anxious and freeze up. I have to talk myself into going to the Union to get food half of the time.



I hate being like this. I need help. I just don't know how to ask for it again.





----------------------------
Wesley thinks I need to do something for myself...but I'm not that kind of person. I don't do anything for myself, ever. I can't justify spending money on myself when I know in three months, I'll be completely on my own financially, trying to find a new job in a crap economy, getting ready to start at a new school, and right now I can't find a job. I think I know what I'll do, though. Cheap haircut, box of hair dye, and a new outfit. I think I can manage that.

18

I am too depressed to get out of bed. I've spent the morning (7, when I meant to get up, until now) crying. I don't even know why. I'm overwhelmed and frustrated and it feels like no one cares.

Why would they? I'm not worth much.

17

Walking to the locker room on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday afternoons is an odd experience for me. Some days it makes me smile, and some days it makes me almost cry. Those four days, from 3-4, the top choir here rehearses. I have to walk past the choir room to get to the locker room, and the sounds, the music that comes out of that room those four hours a week...it's absolutely beautiful.



I don't know how to react to true beauty anymore.

16

I hate my schedule. Yeah, the classes are better than last semester, but ugh. At least last semester I knew I would always be done by dinner time.

This semester, no two days are the same...wait. Monday and Wednesday are the same, and the absolute worst. Mondays and Wednesdays I go 8-10, break until 11:30, class from 11:30-2, break until 3:30, and then I'm in rehearsal for symphony and my quartet from 3:30-7.
Tuesdays I am in class from 8-2, with no long breaks. T/Th classes are 75 minutes instead of 50, so the breaks are longer. I like my 40 minute break between math and harmony. Yay breakfast. But other than that break (which I usually spend standing in line at Starbucks, Einstein's, or Jamba), I have no break until 2. Tuesday is also usually my lesson day, so then my lesson is at 4:45. Thankfully someone needed to switch with me, or I'd be mighty cranky during my lessons-they were supposed to be at 2:15.
Thursday is my favorite day. Only one class and one rehearsal! Class from 9:35-10:50 and chamber rehearsal from 12:45-2.
Friday, my 9:10 and 12:30 classes don't meet, so while I only have 3 classes, one of them is at 8:00 in the morning. No bueno.

Now for my random thoughts.

• I don't do well in math 1) at 8 oclock in the morning 2) without food or coffee 3) at all 4) all of the above.
• What is the point in scheduling a four day a week class that doesn't meet on Thursdays? Why not take Fridays or Mondays off and make everyone happy?
• As much as I hate my M/W schedule, I love my random 90 minute class on those days. One of, if not the best English classes I have ever been in.
• I love music theory, and I'm really glad it's a T/Th class instead of a M/W/F so that we can be there longer.
• Orchestra is okay this semester. Symphony is playing two really great pieces this concert, and Chamber isn't nearly as bad as I thought it'd be. I just hate hiking up to Ashurst...it's killing my back.
• I told MDB I did not want to be in any chamber groups, so what happened? I'm in the only one she's not coaching.
• I'm really, really glad I dropped choir.
• I thought I got over my social awkwardness in high school, but I guess it was just that I didn't care anymore because I had been around all of them for so long and didn't crave approval. I was comfortable, and because I was comfortable with them, I was comfortable doing things that I wouldn't normally do, like run for section leader in choir or lead sectionals in orchestra.
  
• I can't do social things with big groups of people. I get anxious too easily. I would rather spend my time by myself or with my small group of friends.
• The only thing I like about being a music major right now is theory. Piano and sight-singing are a waste of my time, I don't particularly like playing solo rep, and orchestra just gets on my nerves. I feel like I'm not respected in my section because I decided to change to a BA, and that's hard, even though I know in my heart it was the best choice for me.
• I need to find a job. Like last week.
• I'm tired of the monotony of the Union for my food. I need my own personal chef.

Fuck. Time for orchestra.

15

Here's what I'm wondering.

Why am I expected to be mature enough to choose something to study in college and spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on that study, but at the exact same time, I'm not mature enough to know that I want to spend the rest of my life with someone?

I'm not jumping into anything, because I want to be absolutely sure. But why isn't it okay for me to say, at almost 19, that I want to marry the man I'm with right now?

I have no idea what I want to do with my life, but I know I want to spend it with him.

14

Today was a fantastic day.

It actually started last night. Looked at apartments online with Wesley, went to bed at 10:30. Going to bed at 10:30 meant that I got a whole NINE hours of sleep, so I was awake for the test in my 8 am class. I feel really good about that test (even though I'm really bad at math). After that, I got breakfast and did my Harmony homework. I had a lightbulb moment in Harmony, and so I actually understand everything that's going on in that class. (I love music theory. I'll probably take theory classes...forever.) Went to Masterclass, but Mary wasn't there, so we just read through our ensemble piece for the studio recital and went to lunch. Walked to Chamber, and other than the fact that my back is killing me, that rehearsal wasn't even too bad (got out early, woo.)

So now I'm doing laundry and watching TDS/Colbert...probably do homework later, but this has been the best. day. evar.




Or at least of the semester.

13

I honestly don't get it.

This morning, I realized that I just walk out in front of cars to cross the street without checking to see if they're going to stop. I honestly don't care what happens at the moment.

I'm in this weird state of not quite depression, more apathy than anything else. I'm on a downkick with the self-esteem, I get anxious really easily, I'm super stressed out, and to top it all off, I had a panic attack.

I can't keep going like this.